


Shooting Stars

by NaroMoreau



Series: Shooting Stars [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Love, Love Confessions, Psychological Trauma, Shoker, Trauma by abortion, Trauma by rape, doubts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-06-14 21:59:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 27,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15398394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaroMoreau/pseuds/NaroMoreau
Summary: This is my reinterpretation of the events of ME1 and 2 in the story of Jane and Jeff. When they meet there's an instant spark but can they overcome the burdens of their past and find refuge and love in each other?Cover Art byStarsAndSkies. She is amazing!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much JulesHawke an AlyssAlenko for always supporting me and for the beta read. I love you guys so much!

 

_"Useless is my silence against her, she hears the things I left unsaid,_

_crumbles the story in which I hide, until she finds me._

_Mirror of a love made distance, her face is the space where I dwell,_

_in the desert where my faith crawls, she is the reason why I keep going."_

Ella, by R. Blades

 

The past few weeks had brought so many changes, Shepard still couldn’t wrap her head around them. If someone had told her a month before she would become Commander of the most advanced frigate in the Alliance Fleet, and the First Human Spectre, she would have laughed in their face. And now thanks to Anderson, everything was real.  

She walked to her mirror, and looking back at her days in the street, she almost couldn’t recognize the starved, frightened, broken girl in the brown eyes of the woman standing in front of her. The last years had been a rollercoaster of perils and emotions with the Blitz at the center of the mäelstrom, an experience that still haunted her memory, sending shivers down her spine.

So much time had passed and yet, despite her success, everything inside her was the same. Pain coated by routine.

Undoing her ponytail, she let out a sigh.

The tension of the chase hovered over her, the ever-present fear of failure with another impossible mission tasked to her. The anxiety permeated her body, soaking through her bones, leaving her exhausted at the end of the day. Her bored gaze traveled to the pile of datapads gleaming on her desk that prevented her to find solace in sleep. At that point she knew the only thing that could keep her body running was caffeine.

She hesitated before leaving her room in her pajamas, but the last shift had ended hours ago and most of the crew was probably asleep anyway.

//

The soft clink of mugs told Joker that someone else had the same idea.

“ _Crap”_

He could say goodbye to a perfectly good day without pity looks or remarks. Not leaving his station during day shift was a strategy he had perfected with the help of Kaidan, who always brought to him whatever he needed, and a bottle that helped him in a different way.

Scrunching his nose, he staggered around the corner, trying to muffle the sounds of his crutches against the floor, ready to dismiss anyone with a smartass reply. He froze when his gaze fell on the Commander, standing on tiptoes, a loose, long shirt that almost swallowed her sleep shorts, falling off her shoulder. His eyes followed the lines of her legs, and her luscious curly raven hair that fell down to her waist, a breathtaking vision that had him besotted.

_Fuck, she is gorgeous._

Two weeks had passed since she had replaced Anderson and Joker was, bit by bit, starting to know her. He had been in the Alliance enough time to know that a superior officer who didn’t act like everyone under their command smelled like muck was not common, and a Spectre? Yeah. Even less. She had proven to be tough, but kind.

“Are you going to stand there indefinitely Flight Lieutenant?” She didn’t even turn around, her voice breaking his self-absorption.

“Ehh.. sorry ma’am. Didn’t want to disturb you,” he lied, feeling the grip of his hands tighten around the handles of his crutches, nervously.  

She grabbed a second mug.

“You’re not,” she said, glancing over her shoulder, smiling at him. “Coffee?”

“Ah, yes, ma’am. Thanks.” He hobbled towards the table, hoping she didn’t turn to see the pathetic spectacle he believed he was. He sat on the chair, drawing a breath of relief.

For a few moments, the sound of coffee splashing into the cups as she poured, filled the room.

“You can drop the ma’am. We are not on shift,” she said, making her way to him.

His eyes were immediately drawn to the exposed, golden skin of her shoulder, and the swaying of her hips as she walked. He had to force himself to look away.

“You can call me Shepard, or Jane,” she added, sitting right next to him.

He grabbed the cup she offered him with a tingle of nervousness under his relaxed and composed surface.

“So, Joker, do you want me to call you Joker, or Jeffrey?” she asked, taking sips from her mug, an attentive look on her face.

He almost choked on his coffee, his eyes open wide in panic.  “Argh! Joker, please Shepard! Nobody has called me _Jeffrey_ since high school,” he said shuddering.

“And I suppose your mom also calls you Joker?”

He gave her a lopsided grin, quirking a brow. “And are you really Jane, not Genevieve or something like that? What does your mom calls you?”

“I don’t have a mom,” she said calmly, shrugging her shoulders.

“Shit, I’m sorr - .” He stammered, his face burning as colour flooded his cheeks and his gaze fell, locking on the sight of his mug.

“Don’t be. It’s not like if you knew. And yes I’m Jane,” she said smiling. “I guess it was an easy enough name.”

An awkward silence filled the space between them. He struggled to find something to say, trying not to look like a complete idiot in front of her but she beat him to it.

“So, Joker, how is the Normandy performing? Is she everything they say it’d be?” She leaned forward, placing her chin in her hand.

He grinned. “She is the best ship in the fleet…if you have a pilot who knows how to handle her. Balance is not what you would expect, takes a while to get used to that oversized drive core we have stuffed in the back and power can sneak up on you if you're not careful. The Normandy is probably too much ship for your average pilot Shepard. Lucky for you I'm anything but average.”

He knew he sounded cocky, but with a hundred other things to be insecure about, his flying was a source of pride; he was the best and he knew it.

“And how did you end up assigned to the Normandy?”

He scratched the back of his neck, chuckling. “Didn’t you hear the story? I hijacked it.”

She gaped at him, a mixture of shock and awe written on her face. “So it was true?”

“What did you hear?” Joker asked, smiling playfully from behind his mug.

“Just rumors. Someone hijacked the Normandy, they tried to take him down, but couldn't. They said there wasn’t a better pilot than him though Anderson never confirmed it or denied it...”

“Guilty of charges” he said, laughing at her surprise.

“But, why? Why weren’t you court martialed? I don’t think the turians were happy about it.”

“Oh, I was threatened with it. But it was actually General Invectus who convinced them otherwise. Him, and Anderson, and everything was kept under wraps,” he shrugged.   

The admiration in her chocolate brown eyes made his heart swell with a dozen different emotions, some he didn't even know the name for.

“I get it. Silence so nobody knew they rewarded the felon.”

They both laughed.

_God, she is beautiful._

They were so close that he was able to see little freckles sprinkled on her nose and cheeks, breathing in the scent of cherries clinging to her; he hadn’t imagined a late night cup of coffee would have brought him the best day in two weeks.

“So tell me more about you. Anything I should know?”

Years of probing questions about his condition put Joker immediately on the defensive, the answer popping out of his mouth before he could think.

“I can see where this is going. You did a background check on me, didn't you? Well, I'll tell you the same thing I told the captain,” His voice rose in anger, Joker not even noticing it, “you want me as your pilot. I'm not good. I'm not even great. I'm the best damn helmsman in the Alliance fleet! Top of my class in flight school? I earned that. All those commendations in my file? I earned every single one. Those weren't given to me as a charity for my disease.”

Shepard’s eyes were wide as saucers, taken aback by his sudden outburst.

“I’m…I’m sorry Joker, I didn’t even know you were sick.” She moved instinctively away from him, making him immediately regret saying anything.

_Fuck my big mouth. Shit!_

“You mean- you mean you didn't know? Ah, crap," he sighed, holding his mug tightly, "Okay… I've got Vrolik's Syndrome. Brittle Bone Disease. The bones in my legs, and most of my lower body for that matter, never developed properly, they're pretty much hollow... too much force and they'll shatter. Even with crutches and my leg braces it's hard to get around. One wrong step and CRACK! It's all very dramatic. But I've learned to manage my condition. With me at the helm of the Normandy… well I can make her dance. Just don't ask me to dance though. Unless, you know, you like the sound of snapping shin bones.”

_Fuck!_

It was done. He felt his cheeks burning with embarrassment, his hands balled in fists as his fingernails dug into his palms with anger and shame. He couldn’t lift his gaze to meet hers, unable to stand the commiseration he knew he would see in her eyes.

A bitter, cripple pilot. That was all he was, and now she knew it.

//

_“Freeloader.”_

_“Leech.”_

_“Parasite.”_

Echoes of the past hurtled in her mind, that was thrown back to those days that had been hell, trying to prove to everyone that despite her background, she was equally fit to serve, that she wasn’t there, like they told her, just for an easy meal and a warm bed, squandering Alliance’s resources.

Her own thoughts and memories reflected in his ashamed and grim expression. She wouldn’t give him pity. She stood up to leave, and trying to brighten his mood she knocked his cap up with her fingers.

“Maybe not dance, but I’d bet there are a couple of things you do all right,” she said with a smirk.

And turning around she walked away, leaving him speechless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everybody that's reading this for giving my writing a chance. Again, big thanks to JulesHawke and AlyssAlenko, encouragers of this. Love you both so much!

"And that's about it," Joker chuckled. 

"You're kidding right?" Jane asked incredulously as she clutched her mug tighter.

"It's on record if you don't believe me." 

"Yeah right, so I’m supposed to believe you actually bet a bunk change with your flight instructor and he accepted, knowing you could beat him..." She furrowed her brow,  trying to determine if he was pulling her chain or not.

"I may have used a couple of vocal incentives...making jokes about him overcompensating, y’know," he paused. “Oh, c'mon, the guy was a jerk, always pushing me around, so yeah, you bet I made him eat his words."

"Is that why they started calling you Joker?" She stretched her legs as she sat in the co-pilot seat.

"Nah. That's because I love to make little children laugh.”

She arched an eyebrow at him. “Uh-huh.”

"So anyways, your turn.” An impish smile lit up his face.

"I wasn't aware this was a game." She quirked an eyebrow at him as she shot him a half smile. 

He grabbed the cup she’d brought him without thinking, the content still warm, as he focused his attention on her. Ever since that first night in the mess, Joker had found himself craving her visits, trying to break her silence in the rare moments she granted him her presence, wanting to know everything there was to know about her. There, in the quiet, eternal night of space, he talked and prattled on about insignificant things, Shepard listening and commenting, but almost never sharing anything about herself.

"C'mon don't be such a killjoy; I told. Tell." He said with feigned indifference. 

“I’m sure you would have managed to tell this story to your console if I wasn’t here. You just love the sound of your own voice, you egomaniac.” His faked offended face making her chortle to herself.

“Well...you’ve got me there, but in my defense, I have an irresistible voice.” A presumptuous grin danced on his lips as he sipped his coffee. 

“You sure do…” She murmured against the edge of her mug.

“Hmm? Did you say something?”

Jane sighed. “What do you want to know?”

“Whatever you feel like sharing.” He tried not to sound too eager, even though a million questions flitted through his mind.

“Seriously, I suck at this. Just ask away” 

“Ok, Shepard. Tell me something you enjoy doing, and no,” he raised a hand, “making holes in batarian skulls doesn’t count.” 

“Geez. You took the words right out of my mouth.” She said with a lopsided grin, turning to face him and he realized he’d stopped working, spinning in his chair, completely oblivious of his holo-keyboard. “Ok, if you want me to tell you, I really like dancing and I’m actually pretty good at it”. 

“I’d like to see that.” 

“Maybe on the next shore leave, if you’re lucky.” 

“I’m holding you to that, Shepard.”

His heartfelt tone made her cheeks suddenly flush pink. 

She stood up abruptly, her long black hair framing her face. “It’s late; I should go. Try to get some rest too, Joker.” 

His eyes remained locked on the co-pilot seat where she’d been sitting, long after she’d left the cockpit. 

 

//

 

Running. Fighting. Bloodied wounds and hitching breaths. The promise of death at every corner, and the insurmountable weight of duty.  Sitting on the hood of the Mako, Jane unclasped her armor, clutching her head with her hands; her unbooted feet moved playfully at the rhythm of a song she hummed in her mind, enjoying the solitude of the hangar. 

Suddenly a voice came through on her radio.

“Commander? Aren’t you coming with us?” Kaidan’s voice was loud and clear through her earpiece.

“I’ll be there shortly Lt. Need to change.” She lied, cutting off her channel.

She wasn’t in the mood to go to Flux, to mingle with strangers slick with sweat, deafening noise all around; everything ached and she just wanted to sleep. Leaving her armor in a jumbled pile, she went to the elevator with the sole idea of locking herself up in her quarters. When the doors opened, she made her way through the deserted mess, a voice stopping her in her tracks.

“So, Commander, are you really gonna come with us grunts to Flux?” 

“Us? I thought you didn’t dance, Joker.” 

She tried to hide the building excitement from showing on her face, her eyes lingering on his sitting figure, holding a cup between his hands. 

“I don’t, but you owe me, Shepard.” He grinned, a dazzling gleam of white peeking between his lips.

“What?” She spluttered. 

“You heard me.” 

Unconsciously, she shifted her feet nervously, his voice sending a sudden shiver down her spine. 

“Very bold, Flyboy, and what are you still doing here? Everybody’s already left…” She bit back, trying to regain her calm. 

For a few moments he seemed taken aback, a soft pink glow appearing on his cheeks. 

“Just finishing my coffee.” He lifted his mug as if to prove his point.

“Fine, fine. Give me a minute to change.” 

 

//

 

Once alone, Joker’s eyes fell to his already empty cup. 

_ What the fuck are you doing? _

He had given so many excuses to stay behind, his only reason being to see her, and maybe even talk to her, if he was lucky. His sweaty palms a telltale sign that he was way too far from feeling as confident as he tried to portray when she was around.

_ You’re an idiot. _

A sigh escaped from his lips; the battle was already lost and this time he’d aimed too high. A life of disappointments had taught him she’d never look at him the way he wished.

_ C’mon, get real...she’s Commander fucking Shepard. _

He placed the mug on the table, reaching for his crutches, the reality of his condition more painful than ever. Why was he even trying? A grim smile curved his lips, his hands angrily clasping the handles, knuckles white against the bright metal. If friendship was the only thing she could offer him, he’d take it. 

The sound of heels against the floor made him lift his head and he froze, gawking at her. His eyes roamed her figure covered by skin tight leather pants and a red backless top with a low neckline.

“Is it too much? I can go and change,” she said, apparently misinterpreting the look he gave her, “Joker?”

_ Say something! _

“Wow...”

_ Not that! _

He saw her blushing, heading back towards her cabin.

“Shepard, wait!” More than ever he cursed his inability to walk without aid, “You look good...I mean...I didn’t know you hid all that under the uniform.” He shrugged, trying to come off nonchalant as he smiled at her. She didn’t need to know that he was memorizing every angle and curve of her body, his blood starting to boil at the sight of her. 

“Doesn’t look like I’m trying too hard?”

_ You don’t need to try. _

“Nah. You look good.” He stood up as she approached him.

“C’mon, they’re waiting for us.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again thank you JulesHawke, as always.

The air of the night whistled through the gaps of badly closed windows as they made their way into the Upper Wards.

Crowded.

People coming and going, a mishmash of vibrant colors and indistinct chatter that failed to dampen his thoughts. Shepard walked alongside him, so close that his hands wanted to escape from their eternal forced place on his crutches to feel her, his entire body begging to touch her. _He would lean on her, whispering witty remarks in her ear, lacing his arm casually around her waist, taking advantage of the jostle..._

If he were another man.

“It's just around the corner right?”

“Yep, and up the stairs.” He gnawed his lip anxiously. A few more steps and all possible nearness would be severed.

When the doors opened he was hit by the stale air of smoke and sweat, the bass thumping in his ears, beating in time with his heart.

“You see anyone?” Shepard moved forward, her eyes wandering around the place.

“No.” He prayed that Kaidan wouldn’t appear out of the corner, dragging the rest of the crew with him.

“We can sit here, they can find us if they want to, the place is not too big.”

They walked to a nearby table and Shepard ordered drinks for both signaling a human waitress.

“Haven’t been in a club in years,” she said assessing the place.

His gaze trailed up the line of her small, straight nose, to her long, black lashes that slightly brushed the curve of her cheek.

“Neither have I,” he answered back, reluctantly drawing his eyes away from her.

Through the hustle and bustle of the people on the dance floor he saw the waitress arriving with their drinks. He reached for the glass desperately; he really needed it.

“So Joker, really, why Joker?” she said once they were alone again, savoring her drink, staring into his green eyes.

Her question took him by surprise.

He downed the glass in one shot.

“Well, I didn't pick the name. One of the instructors in flight school used to bug me about never smiling. She started calling me Joker, and it stuck.”

"Why didn't you ever smile?"

Painful memories he wanted to forget spiraled in his head but ignoring her question wasn’t an option. After all, she was his Commander.

"I worked my ass off in flight school, Commander.” His voice fraught with bitterness. “The world's not going to hand you anything if you go around grinning like an idiot. By the end of the year I was the best pilot in the Academy. Even better than the instructors and everybody knew it. They'd all gotten their asses kicked by the sickly kid with the creaky little legs. One guess who was smiling at the graduation?” His face brightened with a puckish smile.

She smiled back, swirling the drink in her glass. “Alliance is shit everywhere.”

“Is that the Hero of the Blitz talking?”

“More like just a worn out soldier.” She swallowed her drink, placing her elbows on the table, looking down.

“Ok. I’m at a disadvantage here Commander. I babbled about me. Now babble about you.”

She tucked her hair behind her ear,shaking her head softly. “There isn’t much to tell really-”

“I still wanna know,” he said as he signaled the waitress for another round.

“Almost everything I did is public so….”

“C’mon Shepard, you can do better than that,” he said, trying to mask the excitement in his voice.

“You never give up, do you?”

“Nope. Pestering my superior officers is my call in life.” He took their glasses from the tray offered to them.

“Gah. Fine.” She swirled her tongue around her lips in a nervous reflex, making Joker gasp at the sight of it. “Ok, ask, you know I suck at this.”

“Ahm, ok. What about that tattoo?” he said, fixing his eyes on her forearm, where an eagle in a barbed wire was drawn.  
“Ah, shit.”

“Commander?”

“Well, this is the reason why not many people in the Alliance trusted me I suppose.” she shrugged.

“I don’t follow,” he said shaking softly his head.

“Las Águilas Negras.” the words rolled perfectly in her mouth, “I was a member of the Black Eagles gang back on earth before the Alliance.”

“You were in a gang?! and you speak spanish?” his voice raised in surprise.

“Not so loud! and yep to both. I signed up for the Alliance as soon as I turned 18. I didn’t have many options y’know?,” she continued. “Had to fight for for my right to be there, they didn’t welcome me with open arms, so to speak, and I can’t blame them. My biotics helped, so they trained me to be a vanguard, that's just another way of saying cannon fodder” she chuckled at his horrified expression, “Wasn't that bad! Probably I’m overreacting.”

Joker didn’t know what to say. He had always thought of Shepard as the perfect hero the Alliance used to display in their propaganda. A perfect hero with a perfect life, that had had her way to fame carpeted by easiness.

“And how was it? Gang life I mean” he managed to say.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said glowering, directing her sight to the dance floor, changing her mood abruptly.

He looked at her, bewildered. “I’m sorry Shepard, I-”

“It’s fine, I just don’t talk about those days.”

A strained silence spread around them, slapping Joker in the face. He wanted to know, but at the same time, didn’t.

“Sorry Commander, I- did something bad happen?” he was almost punching himself for not been able to control his tongue. He knew he shouldn’t have asked.

For a few seconds she acted like if she hadn’t heard him, but gulping her drink she turned to face him.

“Yes,” she said as she bore into his eyes, biting her lower lip.

The blur in her usually bright brown eyes told him he had gone too far, making him regret every single word that had left his mouth.

He forced himself to grin.“Hey Shepard, don’t forget why we are here,” he said, trying to break the awkward moment he had provoked.

“Uh?” It was obvious her mind had drifted away from him.

“You are not off the hook, what about that dance?”

“Maybe another time,” her voice was a whisper that almost got lost in the loud thumping music.

“C’mon Commander, how many times do you think we will have an opportunity like this?” He leaned forward, his eyes meeting hers as he lifted the ball of his cap, giving her a crooked smile. “We could be dead tomorrow.”

She faltered under his piercing emeralds eyes.

“But, you can’t dance-”

“No, but I can watch…”

If the lighting had allowed it, Joker would have seen a fiery blush burning through her cheeks.

“‘Geezus, you could convince Saren to turn himself in,” she shook her head, smirking as she stood up.

“Maybe if I wanted,” he replied, eyeing her lithe figure moving toward the dance floor, his senses burning in anticipation.

She stood up in the middle of the crowd, swaying her body, eyes closed as her heel tapped the floor feeling the beat. Joker’s eyes followed the path traced by her hands that roamed her glistening skin; her lips parted as she hummed the song. He shifted in his seat, trying to alleviate the pressure he started to feel in his trousers.

Trying to distract himself before his arousal became too obvious, he directed his eyes to the crowd, catching the appreciative looks she was receiving from males, females and some aliens.

_Damn, she is hot._

_And way out of your league._

She was an alluring storm of raven hair and tanned skin, and it was mesmerizing.

When the song ended, he saw a man approaching her. He felt as if he’d been punched in the gut, the sting of a thousand bees whipped him to run to her.

_What for? You are nothing to her._

His thoughts were cut short when he saw Shepard making her way back to the table, with the stranger following close behind.

“Hey babe, last time I go by myself,” she said and before he could recover from the shock her words had caused, she kissed him.

His brain stopped for a split second before he plunged into the kiss, pulling her to him. His tongue pushed through her plump lips, savoring the alcohol mixed with her sweet flavor, as he felt her roaming his mouth, her hands caressing his beard. His hands traveled to her sides, settling down on her hips, gripping her tightly. He heard her moan and he did it in response; his fatigues becoming impossibly tight.

As suddenly as it started, she broke off the kiss, leaving him breathless. She glanced over her shoulder, as he managed to stutter a weak: “What-”

She sat in her chair, looking completely embarrassed.

“I’m sorry Joker” she explained before his thunderstruck expression, “a man was hitting on me, very persistently...I didn’t know what to do that didn’t involve killing him.”

The shock had swallowed his voice, leaving him speechless.

“I know that’s not an excuse, I shouldn’t have kissed you,” she continued with low eyes, interpreting his silence as discomfort.

Sensing her tone, he quickly recovered.

“Hey, no worries, what are friends for?” He jested, perking up his voice even when the reality of what happened still hadn’t sunk in. The softness of her skin tickled in his fingertips, the smoothness of her lips ghosted over his mouth.

“I think I had enough of this club and beats me, but obviously the crew isn’t here,” she added, standing up, offering him a hand.

They left the club as his mind lingered in the scenes that were already embedded in his eyelids.

When they arrived at the Normandy, the ship was still deserted. As soon as they entered she almost raced to the elevator, leaving him behind.

“Night Joker!” she yelled getting inside.

It wasn't the first and it wouldn't be the last time she was going to leave him baffled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter, making them know each other more and more. I also needed that moment and I think they needed it too. Let me know what you think and thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a TW for implied rape and abortion, so read with care. This was part of Shepard's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a big thanks to JulesHawke and AlyssAlenko for proof reading it. You guys are amazing!

Her pulse raced as she leaned on the closed door inside her cabin. 

 

Her fingers brushed her lips, as if she were trying to grasp wisps of his presence. Walking to the center of the room, she undressed slowly in front of her mirror, doubts and fears assaulting her mind.  

_ That kiss _ . She shouldn’t have kissed him. She felt it in her gut, and it was too late.

_ Don’t fall for him. You don’t deserve him! _

Once again she had to renounce someone before facing the bitter taste of rejection.

Broken. Tainted.

He wouldn’t accept sloppy seconds of a ruined woman that nobody could ever love.

_ “...Shut up bitch, you worthless piece of shit.” Cold, cruel hands gripped her throat, tightly, painfully. _

_ “Please…,” her cold body hits the metallic floor, an agonizing pain in her lungs, small, ragged gasps escaping from her. _

_ “Nobody is gonna listen to you whore.” His body is pressed against hers. His mouth trails up her neck and suddenly she screams, as he bites her earlobe…   _

She gasped for air, tears burning her eyes, realizing she was safe. It didn't matter; those memories lingered on her mind, giving her no quarter.

_ Nurses roam around the hallway. She leans on the hospital door, her blood falling thick and beet red on the gleaming floor. _

_ “Help!” She is yelling. Or maybe she is not. _

_ They look at her as she wobbles in, grabbing her slightly swollen stomach. _

_ She feels judged. They know what she’d done. _

Almost thirteen years had passed, yet all those memories still haunted her, an ever-present blight she couldn't get rid off.

Entering the shower, she stood beneath the stream, scrubbing her skin with her fingernails until it was red and sore, as she had done countless times before. And she cried, and laughed, and kept crying in a twisted loop as her gaze dropped to her stomach and her legs couldn't hold her anymore.

She fell to her knees.

Wet. Cold. And heartbroken.

Shaking, she closed the faucet, dragging her body to the bed, her senses completely numbed by pain and exhaustion.

How could he love her?

It was pointless.

She wrapped her naked body in the covers, as her sobs became the well known lullaby she expected.

 

//

 

Back in his bunk Joker tossed away his crutches, laying down on his bed cradling his head in his hands, completely surrounded by darkness.

His lips curled in a smile, eyes closed, basking in the memories of her.

The sweet scent of cherries lingered in his beard, on his lips, wafting in the air around him, and he felt her again, her raven hair tickling his cheeks, her crimson lips soft and swollen against his.

_ “Shepard _ …” He whispered in a pleading, muffled moan under layers of need.

He knew that it hadn’t been real, but in those few seconds he could’ve sworn he had felt her respond to his touch, trembling under his fingers.

_ Was it possible? _

The sound of several boots clattering against the floor brought him back to the reality.

“Where the hell have you been?!” Kaidan stormed into the minuscule room, turning on the lights.

“Hey K, turn them off, will ya?” Joker pulled his cap over his face, trying to escape from the sudden brightness, as he shifted uncomfortably on his bed, annoyed at the interruption of his daydream.

“Sorry man,” he switched the lights off, and sat on his bed, “but, where the hell have you been?”

“Where have  _ you _ been? I was at Flux, like you told me.”

“Oh yeah. Crap.” The biotic took off his boots and shirt, stretching on his bed, looking at him with cloudy eyes. “We switched to Chora’s Den.”

“You could’ve told us, y’know? And, are you wasted?”

“Us?” Kaidan replied, ignoring Joker’s last question.

“Well, yeah, I mean me and Shepard.” Joker tried to make his voice sound as casual as possible, even when he knew he was blushing furiously under his cap.

“You were with Shepard all night? I thought she backed down, she never called us.” Kaidan leaned on an elbow, curiosity writ plain on his face. “You lucky bastard.”

_ If you knew half of it. _

“Well? What happened? How did she look?”

_ Breathtaking. _

“Alright I guess.” His gut twitched listening to his questions, he didn’t want to share, his evening with Shepard was all his, especially that kiss. He didn’t want Kaidan lusting after his memories.

“Damn, I should’ve stayed at Flux, instead of listening to Wrex.” He grabbed his pillow, propping his head on it. “I envy you man.”

“K, man, I can’t keep my eyes open,” he lied.

“Night, then.”

He heard the biotic moving on his bunk, until finally the alcohol kicked in, and Kaidan started snoring.

He turned, looking at him appreciatively.

There was no way in hell Shepard would look at him twice, having Kaidan aboard.

 

//

 

“Shit!”

Joker woke up, realizing that he had only fifteen minutes before his shift started. For the first time he wasn’t eager to wake up to return to his station. He wanted to keep on dreaming, to have her again even if it was just for a few more moments.

Sighing, he stood up as quickly as he could without breaking a bone.

No shower, no breakfast. That could wait.

He made his way to the cockpit, a smug smile tugging on his lips remembering the night before.

He stopped dead in his tracks when, just before arriving at the elevator, he clearly heard Shepard’s laugh in the mess over the indistinct chatter of another voice. His heart beat fast, palms slick with sweat, as if he were a teenager again.

_ Maybe I have time for a coffee. _

Even when he knew he would start gibbering nonsense once he was in her presence, he had to see her. Gathering his courage he staggered to the mess, but when he arrived there, he froze. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t seen it coming, but it had caught him off guard, and it felt like a balled fist making contact with his gut leaving him breathless.

Kaidan was there, closer to Shepard that he would’ve liked.

“I’m just saying…try to leave yourself a way out. I’ve seen what cutting corners can do to someone. And I’d hate to have that happen to you, Shepard. Commander.” He saw Kaidan blushing, stammering.  He knew what he was trying to do.

Shepard crossed her arms across her chest. “Are you concerned for me? This a personal observation, Kaidan?”

“Maybe it’s not my place. I don’t want to send any bad signals, Commander. Just, uh, working on what I’ve picked up. You tell me if I’m going to far…”

He had heard enough. And that was a conversation he definitely didn’t want to hear the end of. His blood boiled thinking how badly he wanted to be in Kaidan’s shoes, to have that self-confidence, to be able to believe there could be an affirmative answer for him. 

“Well--” Shepard started.

He tried to flee without alerting them of his presence, but it was useless. As soon as he took a step back, the clank of his crutches against the floor made both of them turn to see him.

“Joker!” Shepard seemed surprised but as soon as his eyes encountered hers, she looked down, flushing.

Kaidan looked uncomfortable.

“Hey man, want coffee?”

He knew he didn’t have an option but to say something. “Nah. I’ll come back later. Don’t wanna interrupt.”

“You’re not.” Shepard walked to the counter for a mug, instantly serving him one. “Here you go. We need you completely awake for your shift.”

She walked to him, giving him the cup, accidentally grazing his hand while doing so and he nearly dropped the mug.

“Thanks ma’am.”

“Ok. Leave you two to your things,” Shepard spluttered, making a hasty retreat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you as always to my betas, JulesHawke and AlyssAlenko who keep helping me and are very patient and kind with this silly project. Love you so much!

Waiting. That was the worst part. 

The ground team had left the Normandy half an hour before, and from the instant the first blast echoed in his earpiece, he knew Feros would be problematic. Geth crawling through the halls of the building, sieging the colony while team after team attacked the party of three.

_ “She’ll be fine. She’s an N7.”  _ He muttered as a mantra, wiping his sweaty palms on his clothes.  

The anguish clasped his heart with an iron fist, knowing that he had to trust in her, knowing that there was nothing he could do but swallow his fears.

His breathing eased as he listened to the results of the Commander's chaotic driving, her signature moves causing havoc. Colourful shrieks and howls blasted his eardrums, so indistinct in the panic he couldn't differentiate Liara's from Wrex's.

He bit his lower lip, fighting against the impulse to use the comms and talk to her, using any of the 357 already rehearsed lines about the ship and systems he had stored in a personal file on his omnitool. But that would be unprofessional. And completely out of line.

She probably would close the channel entirely. 

_ Fuck. _

Why did he have to fall for her?

_ Fuck. You fucking masochist.  _

Weeks had passed since that first kiss, weeks in which her aroma had refused to leave his memory, her taste lingering on his tongue, haunting his nights in a torture he was far too happy to dive into, trying to not let Kaidan know what he dreamt of on the occasions he had woken up mumbling gibberish. Praying he hadn't said her name. 

His train of thought stopped suddenly when he realized he couldn’t hear a word coming from the shore party. 

“Normandy to shore party? Come in, shore party,” he ventured. 

Silence and static. 

His pulse quickened, mouth dry, as he dragged his body to the edge of his seat.

“Hostiles! They are banging on the hull!” shouted Pressley, running to him, activating the external cameras that showed a swarm of colonists crowding outside the Normandy. “What is going on? Any word from the Commander?”

A thousand possibilities fluttered in his mind, none of them good.

“Joker!” 

“No word, sir. Comms are cut,” he said gripping the armrests of his chair, trying not to let his face betray the anxiety that arose inside him. 

“Keep trying! We need to know what the hell is going on.”

As soon as Pressley left the cockpit, he opened the comms, desperately, working to get word from Shepard. 

“Normandy to shore party, come in shore party,” he said, expecting to hear Shepard’s voice on the other end. 

Silence. 

_ “She’ll be fine. She’s an N7.” A  _ desperate prayer to calm his nerves. 

“Normandy to shore party, come in shore party,”  _ I shouldn’t have fallen for her. Regs exist for a reason and you are the pilot! Get a grip. _

His heart refused to obey him, pounding heavy in his chest.

“I repeat, Normandy to shore party. Are you reading? Anyone there? Normandy to shore party” his voice strained out of concern ,“come on, Shepard, talk to me,” he begged, clutching his head with his hands, unable to keep hiding the worry that assaulted him.

“Is that you Joker? What’s going on over there?” He let out a sigh of relief the moment her voice broke the dreadful silence.

_ I almost fucking died of anguish, don’t do this to me Shepard! _

“We’re in lockdown here Commander. Something happened to the colonists, they’re banging on the hull, trying to claw their way inside the ship. They’re freaking out!” he said, noticing Pressley’s figure approaching the cockpit.  

“They can’t do any real damage. We’re on our way back. Just hold your position”

He relaxed in his seat. She was coming back, to him, and once she was on the Normandy, he wouldn’t let anything harm her. 

//

Half hour later, he saw the ground team approaching the ship through the external cameras. To his dismay Wrex dragged a bloodied Shepard, as Liara ran frantically to the airlock. 

_ No. Please no. _

His heart hammered so hard he felt it was going to jump out of his ribcage, a knot closing his throat, beads of sweat falling down his forehead. He couldn't move, divided between his obligation and his desires. His entire self craved to go to her, but he was the pilot and they had to leave.

Clenching his jaw and gritting his teeth he faced the controls, putting the Normandy in motion distractedly, as he switched the feed from the external to the airlock cameras with trembling hands, his face grimacing with contained anxiety.

“Dr. Chakwas!” He saw Liara desperately approaching the doctor already waiting by the door. From out the frame, Kaidan appeared to be running to Shepard, carrying a gurney with the help of Emerson.  

“What happened?” The lieutenant’s voice fraught with the same worry that made Joker’s heart ache. 

“Nothing,” grunted Shepard, spitting blood on the floor, “I’m fine, I just need some rest.”

“Please Shepard,” Liara begged her, turning to face Kaidan and Chakwas, “she took a rocket from a Juggernaut to the side!” 

“You do fight like a Krogan,” Wrex roared, trying to lead her to the gurney, as she struggled to break off from his grasp.

“But she isn't.” Karin’s voice was firm. “You aren’t a krogan Commander and that burn on your side looks pretty awful.”

“Enough!” Shepard yelled, frowning. “I told you all. I’m-”

Joker saw her quivering and suddenly she fainted, Wrex catching her at the last minute. He felt sick, hating himself for not being there for her.

_ Fuck Shepard! Why are you so stubborn? _

“Wrex, put her on the gurney.” Karin was already moving next to her, as Kaidan stood to help the krogan move Jane. He saw the doctor leaning towards Shepard’s ear whispering something and he saw Shepard nodding, her expression changing into acceptance.

“Take the Commander to the infirmary.” Chakwas signaled Kaidan and Wrex. Joker’s fists curled in anger and punched the armrests of his chair, wanting to switch places with Kaidan. He should’ve been there. 

Once they were in open space he connected the autopilot, standing up. The urge to see her burned him like a hot coal, giving confidence to his steps. 

_ She’s going to be fine… _

But was  _ he _ ? The searing pain in his chest every time he saw her bleed, gasping out of pain, spoke volumes against it. Loving her already hurt, and he wasn’t even with her. 

“Joker,” halfway through the bridge Negulesco’s voice stopped him in his tracks, “incoming call from Captain Anderson. Can’t patch him with the Commander, he asks for you.”

“I’ll take it at the cockpit.” He made his way back pondering the reasons why Anderson would ask for him, eager to fulfill his duty and run to her. He needed to see Jane.

He sat on his chair and opened his terminal, Anderson’s face flickered on his screen.

“Joker, how are things going and where is Shepard?” 

He saluted. ”Sir, we just left Feros. I still don’t have the specifics but the Commander,” he faltered, “the Commander is in the infirmary.”

“Nothing serious I expect.” Anderson frowned.

“Apparently she received the full impact of a Juggernaut rocket, sir.” Joker knew his voice played on an octave lower than usual, grim, even when his face tried not to show it.  

“Not this again.” Anderson’s shoulder sagged as he sighed.

“I’m sorry sir?” 

“Is this the first time she has been critically injured after a mission?”

“Well…, no. No, sir.” He’d have wanted to lie, but deep down he knew the Captain deserved to know.

“Is this a secure channel?” 

Joker’s fingers flew over his keyboard. “It is now, sir.” He said with bated breath.

“Listen Joker, Commander Shepard is a highly trained N7 operative and a very efficient vanguard. You know how she stopped the batarians at Elysium almost single handedly, but she also holds the biggest record of critical injuries while on service.” Anderson looked at him, under a frowned brow. 

“I-I don’t understand-”

“Alliance recruiters chose her to be a vanguard because she seemed fearless, as if she wasn't afraid of getting hurt or dying. But some of them, and this was a personal opinion, said she was looking for it.”

His heart sank listening to the Captain. It couldn't be true, that wasn’t his Jane, they were wrong. Those had been just accidents, and in her position it was easy to get hurt. 

“Son,” Anderson softened his expression seeing the fear reflected in Joker's eyes, “she can be fearless but that also makes her vulnerable. I need someone to keep an eye on her. I won't tell Alenko or the others, they are her ground team and they need to trust in her, believe in her legend.”

Joker gulped and nodded, trying to show Anderson he acknowledged the full extent of what he heard. He stayed there, blindly looking at his black screen, feeling powerless. He didn’t want to believe he could lose her, he didn't want to believe she was wittingly trying to die every time she left the Normandy. 

Anderson was wrong. The Alliance was wrong. That had to be a mistake. 

He stood up. Now more than ever he needed to see her, to find out for himself what lay under Anderson's words and prove him wrong. 

Jane would tell him and everything would be fine. He stood up carefully, as he closed his fists, his fingernails digging crescents in his palms out of nervousness.

“Everything will be fine.” He tried to ease his breathing, trying by all means to believe in his own words.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always a big thanks to JulesHawke and AlyssAlenko who despite odds still are here, with me and giving me a hand. <3

When he arrived at the medbay, Chakwas was outside. 

“Are you here to see the Commander?” She asked him focused on her datapad.

“Uh, yeah, saw the whole thing...how is she?” His voice was casual, trying to mask his inner turbulence, as his pace slowed down upon his approach.

“She’s going to be fine; stubborn piece though.”

“Good thing you knew how to handle her.”

“I’ve trained with the best.” She said as she shot him an amused glance.

“Oh, c’mon…”

“Commander,” Chakwas opened the door, “Jeff is here for _ you _ .”

He staggered, blushing at the emphasis the doctor put on her final words. He stumbled into the infirmary gracelessly under Shepard's attentive gaze.

“Hey Joker,” Her brow creased in confusion. “Is everything alright?”

Her usually caramel skin was pale, barely contrasting with the sheets. She lay on one of the beds, her torso wrapped in bandages, nasty burns and bruises along her bare arms. She was smiling, bleeding from a deep cut on her lower lip. He wanted to hold her, caress her wounds and mend them with kisses; his gut twisted remembering his talk with Anderson, watching her broken, like so many times before.

“Yes,” his voice an octave higher than the usual. He cleared his throat, trying to shake off his nervousness. It wasn’t right to feel like a teenager everytime he was around her. “Actually no.”

He grabbed a chair, and placed his crutches against the wall, sitting in it heavily as he tried to decide the best way to discover what he wanted to know. He bit his lower lip, his hands fidgeting on his lap. 

“ _ We _ were worried about you Commander, all the chaos and the colonists banging at the door, phew,” he whistled through pursed lips, focusing on his hands, his cheeks tinted pale pink, “pretty wild. What happened?”

“Geth. They stormed on us and it was a shitshow… and then this massive dickhead of a plant kept spitting green asaris onto us.” 

His brow rose, just to crease a second later. “What?”

“Yeah, just like you heard. That mission was a gigantic clusterfuck.” 

He took his hat off, running his fingers through his hair, tousling it in exasperation, “I mean Commander, I know all this is just chaos but, it seems...” his rush stopped, as if his words had hit a wall before he proceeded, dwindling his speed,“it seems like you almost always end up here.” He played with his cap, staring at the floor, feeling his cheeks getting warmer with every passing minute.

“Well, I'm a vanguard so 99% of my job is just punch things in the face.” She chuckled, oblivious to the lump in his throat.

“Yeah, but,” he gulped, “what if something happens to you? I mean what about the mission, the crew?”  His wavering voice unable to mask the fear that crawled up his spine thinking how death hedged her every single time she was out there.  

She tucked strands of long, raven hair out of her face and glowered at him. “They'll send another. I'm not irreplaceable. No one is.” Harsh, steel voice cutting through his hopes. His eyes widened, mouth gaping, inhaling a deep breath as someone who is about to dive in. His heart sank to his feet, a void threatening to swallow him entirely, Anderson’s words clearer than ever. “I'm just saying you should be more careful.” He raised his gaze, locking his emeralds eyes with hers, a plea hid in the undertones of his voice. 

A spark lit her brown eyes, a blazing fire in her voice. “Do I tell you how to fly the Normandy? Who the fuck do you think you are? I don't need advice on how to do my fucking job.” She lashed out, raising her chin, her lips a thin line as she looked down her nose at him.

Suddenly she was another Shepard, someone he didn't know. Disdainful and arrogant. Her response took him by surprise, anger crawling beneath his fears at her stubbornness.

“C’mon Shepard…”

“Dismissed, Flight Lieutenant.” Her order was so abrupt that Joker’s cheeks flushed as if she had slapped him. He gaped at her for a split second before clenching his jaw, his eyes twinkling, as he repressed a retort that fought to leave his mouth. 

He stood up, slowly, grabbing his crutches, sucking up a quiet breath as anger and pain surged through his body. Anderson was right. The realization made his heart pound heavy in his chest as he made his way to the door, tears of anger welling in his eyes. He had to rip her out of his heart, even when every fiber of his being screamed not to.

//

“Understood,  _ Commander.”  _ Joker spit out the words over his shoulder. He didn't even look back. 

Her temples pulsed, every single beat of her heart reverberating in her ears as she watched him leave.

She shrinked assailed by pain, blinking for a moment. In her mess of a brain, the Cipher images revolved and intertwined with her own thoughts, the searing pain in her chest, a welcome distraction from the disgusting, terrifying frames that left her aghast. 

Jane grimaced, reaching for the bottle of water next to her bed, still mystified by her own violent kickback to Joker’s words. And everything because he had placed his finger on her open wounds. Everything he said had dented her armor, showing her flaws and weakness. 

_ Maybe Anderson was wrong. Who the fuck am I? A reckless, screwed up motherfucker. _

Her chest ached with a blistering pain remembering his glacial eyes, nothing like the Joker she knew. Her head fell forward. Everything was her fault. 

They were at a point of no return, and if she died, the imprints of Eden Prime’s beacon would die with her. The disquieting images of the Cipher would mean nothing to someone else. All hopes to stop Saren before it was too late would be futile, Anderson’s sacrifice would mean nothing, a failure that would set humanity back in the eyes of the Council. 

She leaned back on her pillow, her thumb playing with her lips, a foot jerking under the sheets. No, she couldn’t keep harboring the selfish instinct to pretend that her life meant nothing, because for once, her baggage weighed less than the stakes placed on her shoulders. 

_ Why?   Why he had seemed so affected by her state? _

_ Because you’re the Commander, dumbass...  _ Or there was something else?

She’d had given her best shotgun to believe it could be true, that it wasn’t an absurd assumption to believe it wasn’t a one sided storm, just deluging in her front yard. But she wasn’t that lucky, life had proved that.

She gnawed her bottom lip, mind dawdling in the scene at Flux, that dump that now held a special place in her heart. Her eyes stared blankly at the sheets, black hair falling awry around her face.   

“Are you alright Commander?” She lifted her face to meet Chakwas gaze.

“Yes, only sore.” She lied, giving her a feigned smile. 

The doctor sat in her chair, her back turned to Shepard, sorting through datapads.

“Have you known Joker for long?” Jane could feel her face getting hot, and tried to cover herself with the sheets, in case Karin turned.

“You could say that. I’ve been his doctor since he joined the Alliance but I met him as a teenager at Arcturus.” She said standing up, checking the equipment in the med bay. “Sweet boy. He has changed a lot through the years though.”

“How so?” Her curiosity was piqued, wanting to know everything she could about him, like if those little details could possibly make her feel closer to him.

Chakwas shot her an enigmatic glance, and resumed her work with her equipment. “Flying boosted his confidence. Now he has a big mouth and I think his head has grown too much for that cap,” she chuckled, “but I’m glad he overcame the difficulties life had thrown at him. His life hasn’t been easy.”

“Why?” 

“Maybe you should ask him.” Karin turned and gave her a smirk.

“I don’t know. I was kind of a jerk to him.” She knew her voice sounded sad, as she twisted her fingers nervously under the sheets and her stomach fluttered at the thought of what had happened between them. She didn’t want to lose the little of him she had. 

“Don’t worry Commander, I can tell you he doesn’t hold grudges. You’ll see.” 

With all her heart, Jane wished it was true.  


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally Chapter 7 is here! I had some problems at work that delayed its arrival but here I am again! A shout out to JulesHawke and AlyssAlenko for still being with me despite work and life. Love you both so, so much!

With a groan, she tried to move from the hard bed of the infirmary. If the contractors had appeared in front of her in that moment she would have give them a piece of her mind. 

_ Peak technology, zero comfort. _

Her back screamed, numbed by the position she had fallen asleep in as soon as Chakwas had given her that painkiller, but the pain of the wounds was now an echo, no longer unbearable. Counting her steps, she left the infirmary crossing the deserted mess; Chakwas was nowhere to be seen. The door of her cabin welcomed her with a hiss as it opened and she stepped through the threshold. On her night stand the holo-clock flickered, marking the hour.

_ 03:17 _

Almost three hours until her shift started. A deep sigh broke the silence of her cabin, as she let herself fall on the mattress heavily enough to cause her upper body to protest at the rough treatment. She grimaced directing a hand to her side, where the bandages covered her tender flesh. Maybe she could rest for two hours and get rid of the stiffness on her back.

But sleep refused to come. 

Her eyes were fixed on the ceiling, the scene at the medbay unfolding over and over, stuck on replay, almost making her forget the eventual bursts of pain that coursed through her body.  _ What a gigantic ass she’d been,  _ whispered the insidious voice at the back of her head; the pile of fucks she gave about what she’d done growing exponentially with every rerun, her cheeks hot and flushed. 

She glared at her clock.

_ 3:47 _

_ Oh, fuck it. _

She dragged her body to the shower, already determined to go to the cockpit, swallow her ill placed pride and apologize to Joker. He hadn't deserved her anger. The water felt invigorating, the stream shunting in rivulets that marked every taut muscle, stinging when she turned and fell full force on her scarcely healed side, and she groaned. Hands against the wall, Shepard felt the bite of uncertainty in her gut,  _ what if he didn’t want to hear anything she had to say? _ A searing ache that had nothing to do with her throbbing wounds blazed through her, ruing the damn moment she had allowed herself to unleash her traumas on him. 

She closed the faucet and left the shower, small droplets falling to the floor as she made her way to her drawers. She got dressed with her mind still working around monologues, letting her resolution settle in her mind. 

She gnawed her lip because underneath her uncertainty she felt the bubbling disturbance of fear. It scared her how he always seemed to know how to aim at the right spot, to make her laugh, to make her talk, to make her  _ feel _ . Her barriers and walls had proved not to be enough to contain her when she was around him, those green eyes stirring things she believed were dead inside her, a sliver of a doubt creeping in her mind.  _ What if he…? _

_ No. Pathetic. _

With iron resolve she crushed that thought, smothering a mirthless laugh. Sucking in a hiss of pain, she replaced the bandages with patches Chakwas had given her, dressing absentmindedly. 

It was almost 4:30.

Rubbing the back of her neck she left her quarters, feeling a qualm rattling her decision.   

“Commander!”

She turned around only to see Liara getting up from one of the chairs, worry wrinkling her eyes and creasing her brow. Crew just beginning or ending their shifts, wandered around the kitchen, settling into their daily routines.

“Morning, Liara.” Shepard made her way to the counter, serving herself a coffee, followed close behind by the asari.

“How-How are you?” she stammered, “I haven’t seen you since yesterday.” 

Shepard smiled. “I’m fine. Wanna drink something?”

“No, thanks Commander.”

Silently they both sat at one of the small tables. Jane could see something was eating up Liara inside, the blue of her cheeks was now a soft purple, and her eyes rested on the table, averting hers purposely. Silence spread around them until it was almost deafening, Liara’s hands unsettled in her lap.

“Talk to me Liara. What’s wrong?”

Jane saw her gulp, before opening her mouth. Not a single sound came out.

“Well? C'mon Liara y-know-”

“I’m so sorry Shepard, it was my fault you got hurt!” Liara lashed out twisting her hands, unable to contain the avalanche of  words that came through. “I don’t have much experience fighting and I hesitated, got scared and-”

“Hey, it’s ok.” she placed a hand on Liara’s shoulder, giving her a reassuring smile, “it wasn’t your fault, we all were shook by it. Don’t give yourself a hard time.”

Liara let out a small grunt of annoyance. “Sometimes I miss diggings so much. Peaceful, quiet-”

“Until someone raids in and locks you in a bubble?” Shepard offered with a smirk.

“If you’ll always come rescue me, sure, why not?” 

“Deal.”

Jane saw Liara’s shoulders loosen, her entire demeanor relaxing as they chuckled. Suddenly a gust of light blinded her vision, the image of a viscous assemblage of flesh lingering in her retinas, her hand instantly covering her eyes as if she could expunge the horrors from her mind just by sheer will.

“Commander?” Liara leaned forward, her face a clear paint of concern,“You look-pale, is there something wrong?”

“The Cipher shook me up a bit.” She sipped her coffee to calm her nerves, brows knitted together. 

Liara placed her hand on Shepard’s. “I might be able to help you. I’m an expert on the Protheans. If I join my consciousness to yours maybe we can make some sense of it.” The warm bright on the asari’s blue eyes reassured Shepard, who still clutched her temple with her other hand. 

“Ok Liara. Do it. I trust you.” 

She stepped up, just as Liara did the same, boring into her eyes. 

“Relax Commander.” Shepard tried to keep herself limber, as she drowned in the blue ponds of Liara’s eyes, before she closed them following her lead. “Embrace eternity!”

> _ Her stomach was hauled upwards, a forceful prodding in her brain, like being just roused after sleeping for a millenia. Her consciousness moved out of place, bezel falling apart around the frame of her memory. A blue haze of haphazardly scattered images flowed like threads in her mind, a muddle of flesh and cyclopean buildings entwining with a blurred, mean face breathing on her neck while she lay helpless on a metallic floor. A broken young Shepard cried amidst frames of alien mechanical contraptions, an eagre of desperation saddling her from head to toes, cries of a species annihilated in the night of time ringing in her ears.  _

As suddenly as it had started, it stopped.

Liara panted in front of her. “That was… incredible! All this time, all my research...I’ve never dreamed… I’m sorry. The images were so vivid. I never imagined the experience would be so … intense.” She grabbed the back of her chair, moving to sit on it. 

“Are you ok, Liara?” The experience had shocked her more than she was willing to admit, a quake in her gut as the memories clung to her eyelids, as she sat in front of the asari. She was absolutely sure that everything she saw, Liara had seen it as well, much to her chagrin and the heat crawling up her face was doing very little to hide it. 

Liara drew a deep, soothing breath. “You are remarkably strong willed, Shepard. What you’ve been through, what you’ve seen, would have destroyed a lesser mind.” 

“Sometimes I think it did.” She said with a sour tint in her voice. “But, did you learn something?”

Liara clutched her head with a hand.“I’m-I’m not sure, I need to rest for a while, I’ll let you know soon enough.” 

That was it. Jane was about to draw a breath of relief she hadn’t realized she had been holding, when she saw Liara’s eyes. Pity slithered behind her crystal blues. 

“Shepard, about the other things…”

“Liara, please, don’t. I don’t care you know it, but please, just-” Her wavering voice cracked, smothering the rest of her answer. Then she added with a firm tone, “my shift is about to start. Let me know when you have something.”

She stood up, nodding at Liara who looked at her shyly.

“Understood, Commander.”

She walked as stately as she could until turning around the corner, she set foot in the first step of the stairs. Her shoulders sank under the embarrassment of feeling naked, as she dragged her steps until the CIC. Her earlier determination had completely evaporated, and now her feet struggled to move forward, nailed at the galaxy map. From there she could see the cockpit, passing the still almost deserted bridge, and her heart pummeled hard against her chest. 

If she couldn’t find the courage to do it now, she was sure the days would pass and her mouth would remain closed. Trying to brush off her previous experience, she bit her lower lip, chewing it as a distraction. She sauntered through the bridge, her boots clattering, as she glanced to the few people on their stations. Faces shadowed by exhaustion, half lidded eyes in most cases.

She stepped through the cockpit threshold, standing behind Joker’s chair, and before a word left her mouth a faint whimper made her arch her eyebrows. She moved forward to see he was sleeping, not peacefully judging by the fear that stormed his expression. Furrowed brows, scrunched nose, lips that mumbled things she failed to understand. She was about to leave, not wanting to disturb him when a muffled cry stopped her in her tracks. 

_ A nightmare. _

She tapped his shoulder, lightly, whispering his name, bracing for what she knew would come. There was no way of escaping this. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading me, you guys are awesome <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally they are coming around each other! And with every interaction they feel more at ease between them. I'm so glad for my dorks!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's taking me forever to update even when I already have this story plotted and I have to thank JulesHawke and AlyssAlenko for pushing me and helping me when I need it!

_ There was blood everywhere, gushing out in uncontrollable streams that soaked his uniform and his blundering hands, that hovered, shaking, over her abdomen. He yelled and screamed until his throat was sore and dry, burying his face in the hardness of her armor. His arms closed around Jane’s broken body lying on the floor, blood crusts tainting the luscious glow of her long black hair as the thought of all the things he could have said to her burned his chest. His eyes narrowed and his face contracted in pain, as the tears fell, dampening her face, pale beyond hope. A wave of sorrow and despair swallowed him entirely, a sickening feeling that set his body aflame. His fingers drew the lines of her lips, unable to breathe, descending to kiss her… _

_ “Jeff…Jeff…” _

Joker blinked, eyes bleary from the sudden awakening, slowly focusing on the lean figure standing under the dim lights of the cockpit. Her beauty took his breath away as she looked at him with a concerned frown on her face. She wasn’t bleeding, but alive and well and the contrast with the images scorched behind his eyelids, punched him in the gut, his first impulse to jump into her arms, before realizing she’d probably break him in two before reporting him to the Alliance.

“Are you alright?” She asked sitting on one of the panels at the side of his chair, “Sorry to wake you, but you were grunting...is there something bothering you?”

He straightened his posture, trying to stop a relieved smile breaking out. That wretched dream had been too vivid, his heart still pounding so hard he believed his ribs were fractured, the sole idea of losing her making him feel lightheaded.  _ God, he wanted to hug her _ .

However, a second later, all the pain and resentment he’d felt in the medbay made his way through the fog of his broken sleep, and the smile died on the corner of his lips.

“Everything is fine, Commander.”

She shifted in her seat, staring at the floor but didn’t speak.

_ Why was she here? _ He stared at her figure, petite without the bulk of the armor she always wore, fragile almost, booted feet playing with the edges of his chair.

_ “Jeff,” _ she said, and for a minute he thought he was still dreaming, because there she was, brown gaze fixed on him, a plead hiding in her pupils and in the undertones of her voice. “I’m sorry…”

The anger he’d harbored inside vanished the moment the last word left her lips, and he wondered how he could’ve been mad at her in the first place.

“You were right.” She continued, her gaze sinking to the floor again.

“What do you mean?” His answer came out harsher than he intended, the bitterness in his voice making her cheeks flush.

“I should’ve been more careful.”

“Then why weren’t you?” He asked, bluntness in his voice at the thought of her reckless behaviour, chastising her as he watched her fiddling with the hem of her jacket.

She remained silent for a few seconds. “I just…I don’t--” She let out an audible sigh, locking eyes with him and his heart skipped a beat. “I guess I didn’t care. But you were right, and it’s--I mean--y'know.” Her fingers twiddled with the zipper of her jacket and her gaze trailed down focusing on his panel, face flustered.

Warmth filled his chest at her nearness, fighting against his desire to touch her before she turned back to face him. “God Shepard, you suck at this.” He chuckled to hide the nervousness that ruffled him, hastening to fill the silence between them. “You don’t have to worry, it's alright. You have your crew backing you up Commander, _we_ _all_ care about you.”  

He was almost certain that a flash of something that resembled disappointment shadowed her face, before a light smile covered it.  _ “ _ Thanks.” She tore her eyes from him, standing to leave.

“Hey Shepard, is there something wrong?”

“Nothing.” She shrugged. “Just--nothing.”

“You’re not really big on words huh?” He said with a smirk.

She couldn’t suppress a snicker. “Yeah, sorry...I’ve never been much of a talker.” 

“Well, I am, so I can make up for us both if you want?” He signaled the panel, hoping she would take his offer to stay, having missed her very much. Their last weeks jumping from peril to peril had left little time to chat and since the night they kissed, she hadn’t returned to his side. He was almost starving for her presence.

“Yeah sure, why not?” She sat again, running her fingers through her hair.

“Geez, don’t sound so excited.”

Clear laughter, ringing as a bell, filled the cockpit bringing a smile to Joker’s lips as well. Many people found his sarcastic vein inappropriate, especially within the Alliance, and he had come to terms with the reality that it was a shield from the outer world. But with her, it felt like something he could feel proud of, knowing he could brighten her mood just by being himself.

“I never thanked you for pulling our asses off of Feros.”

“Nah, it’s my job--”

“And for worrying about me.” He turned to look at her, her deep voice making his stomach flutter.

Words stuck on his throat as he sank into the glimmer of her brown eyes. “I mean that’s what friends do, and we’re friends right?” He turned to his console to hide the creeping blush that now tinted his cheeks--he wanted more than that.

“Yeah. You know? I actually thought you were gonna kick me out of your royal chambers.” She said looking around the cockpit.

“What for?”

“For being an ass.”

“I can’t kick you out of your ship, Commander.” He grinned, his fingers flying over his keyboard as he glanced at her. He wanted to stop working to dedicate his entire attention to her, but he didn’t want to give himself away.

“But you’d love to, wouldn’t you?” She laughed.

“Oh yes, then I could finally steal the Normandy.” He laughed evilly, raising his fist in the air.

“You’re a dork, you know that?”

“I am not! Ok, maybe I am.”

“How you do it?” Jane chuckled, her arms crossed over her chest.

“Do what?”

“I usually don’t laugh as much as when I’m with you?”

His chest swelled with pride at her remark. “But do you laugh with me or at me?”

“Does it matter?”

“No, I guess not.” He chuckled in response turning to look at her, almost oblivious of his thumping heart and the sweat in his palms.

“Off the record, I’m glad you stole the Normandy.”

“You and me both. Can you mention that to Anderson next time he vid calls?”

“Yeah right.” She scoffed. “When did you know you wanted to fly?”

His fingers paused over his console and he drew a breath. Not many people knew that his biggest dream had been born from his biggest impediment. The path paved with pain and disillusion. He wasn’t eager to share those experiences but somehow he knew that if he could trust anyone, it was her.

“I was born at Arcturus, my mom and dad worked there, so I’ve been around ships and in love with them for as long as I can remember.”

“So it was a natural thing?”

“Yeah, kinda. Once, when I was at school we had to present this paper, y'know? The one where you write what you want to be when you grow up? Well, there I was, a ten-year-old rambling about my love for ships.”

“Ten-year-old Jeff? I bet you were cute.”

He smiled before continuing. “Not as cute as what followed. When I was leaving, waiting for the shuttle to take me home, this asshole kid stood in front of me. I think his dad was an Alliance Flight Lieutenant, and he demanded I took my presentation back because according to him no “weak sewer rat” could have his dad’s job. Pretty stupid actually.”

“What happened?” He turned to see a frown on her face.

“Ten-year-old Jeff was as stubborn as twenty-eight-year-old Jeff, so yeah. He beat the crap out of me, broke every single bone in my body.”

He heard her gasp and saw the horrified expression on her face. “Oh my god! What did your parents say? What did the school say?”

“They were furious but there wasn't much the school could do. He was expelled and I almost had to redo a whole school year. Had to spend four months in the hospital.” He shrugged.

“What an ass! Couldn’t the school have been a bit more understanding? It wasn’t your fault to miss four months of class.” He smiled to see her so enraged in his defense.  

“They were, in a way. But after that, I learned that even if it cost me having every single bone broken more than once, I was going to be a pilot. It wasn’t easy though.”

“Did you have more encounters like that?”

“Yeah. I discovered people can be very mean if they sense you’re weak, and especially growing up, teenagers can beat batarian slavers in cruelty.”

“Agree with you on that.” There was a sorrow in her words that made him shiver.

“Personal experience?” He dared to ask.

“Yeah, but keep going, today isn’t about me.”

“Not much. Just that when I left Arcturus, I’d had every single bone in my body broken at least twice. Flight School was a breeze. People were jerks but at least they had to play under Alliance’s rules. And that’s the reason why I worked my ass off there. I wanted to prove to everyone I could do it, but most of all, I wanted to show ten-year-old Jeff, he wasn’t wrong.”

When he finished, she stood up and before he could say something, she sat on the edge of his chair pulling him into an embrace. It took him by surprise, the heat of her body sending an electric current through him, the cherry scent of her hair filling his nostrils. His hands tightened at her waist effortlessly, and he sank his face in her shoulder, not wanting to let her go.

“Thank you.” He mumbled, flushing to his ears.

She stood up and his whole body screamed at the loss of her warmth against him.

“No, thanks to ten-year-old Jeff Moreau.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to JulesHawke for having the patience to bounce ideas with me for this chapter and for her awesome work at beta it.

Joker worried. His camara had caught Jane pressed flat against the wall during the airlock decompression sequence, retching, Kaidan and Garrus oblivious of her distress as they stood in front of her. He worried, because once they turned to talk to her she straightened, concealing her state, beaming at them. He had seen her slumped figure, dragging her feet when she was alone in the hallways of the Normandy, just to swiftly stand ramrod straight as soon as someone entered in her line of sight. 

His heart dropped to his stomach, mixed in turmoil, everytime they failed to keep abreast with Saren, seeing Jane’s face darkening, her hands fisting at her sides. It seemed too great of a burden to place on someone’s shoulders alone, the Council not showing any sign of faith time and again, Udina, a hindrance more than an asset. He felt like an intruder, unraveling the turbulence within her when she hadn’t said a word, when she hadn’t asked for his help. More than anything he craved to comfort her, to show her he was there for her.  He’d always be there for her. 

He drew a deep breath, catching sight of her in the mess through the cameras, as she served herself a cup of coffee with an unfocused gaze. He furrowed his brow when her cup overflowed, and he was about to call her through the speakers to snap her out of her absorption when he saw Kaidan rushing to her side.

“Commander, your cup is overflowing!” Kaidan had already stopped her by the wrist, grabbing a cloth with the other hand to dry the pool of coffee around the mug. 

“What? Shit!” She put down the coffee pot, helping him to clean the countertop. “Oh fuck.” She tucked strands of hair behind her ear before kneeling to clean the streams of coffee dripping onto the floor. 

“It’s ok, Commander.” Kaidan knelt on the floor before her, a dashing smile playing on his lips as he helped her, and she smiled back as they worked together to clean the floor. He stood up offering her a hand, and Joker’s gut twisted, a nasty feeling spreading through his body as he saw their eyes lingering on each other longer than he would've liked. 

His own feelings of inadequacy struck him back, and he bit his lower lip, forehead resting on his palm as he closed his eyes and tried to wash the venom away. He already had more than he could have ever hoped for, his fingers tracing his lips and his arms tickling with the memory of her warmth. 

His finger hovered over the button to close the channel, but his hand curled in a fist; even if it’d upset him, he needed to know she was fine. 

“Do you have coffee for two?” He heard Kaidan asked, taking a mug out of the cupboard and placing it next to her.  

“Sure, here.” Slowly, she poured the liquid in his cup. 

They walked together to the nearest table, sitting in front of each other, but Jane remained silent. 

“Commander?” Kaidan said tilting his head to the side seeing her astrayed gaze, eyes fixed on her coffee. “Are you ok? You seem ...tired.” There was a hesitation in his voice as he looked at her with a creased brow

“Mmm?” She lifted her head, blinking, as if she just noticed Kaidan was there. 

“Is- is there something on your mind?” He stammered, worriness tinting his words and his pupils.

“You were there Lt. Tell me you’re not disturbed by the crazy shit we’ve been seeing.” She blurted, eyes glimmering under knitted brows, and Joker sighed. It was just what he had thought. 

Kaidan sipped his coffee, brow furrowed. “I am, I’m human Shepard. It doesn’t mean I’m not trying to think this will be over somehow, and you’ll do it Commander. I trust you.”

_ “I’ve seen what cutting corners can do to someone. And I’d hate to have that happen to you, Shepard. Commander.”  _ Recollection of the conversation he had walked into several weeks ago billowed on his mind, the fervent timbre in Kaidan’s voice and the shine in his golden eyes telling him his admiration had stepped into personal territory. 

Maybe he had been reading too much into the nuances of their relationship. A pity hug and a convenient kiss weren't evidence enough to fill his mind with hopes and dreams. He clenched his jaw so tight his lips pursed in a grimace, his stomach churning as reality hailed upon him, freezing him to the core. 

And just then...

“Thanks Lt. It’s good to have a friend.” She said patting his back, as a curious inflexion rode on the last word, and Joker's brows shot up.  _ Was she dismissing him? _

Kaidan didn’t seem to notice. 

“I mean it Shepard. If anyone can pull this off is you. Remember Elysium?”

“Sometimes I wish I couldn’t,” she said sinking her eyes to the table, “but yes, I do.”

“It’ll be the same.” He sipped his coffee with a confident smile on his face.

“That sounds dangerously romantic and optimistic Lt.” she scoffed, brow furrowed as her index traced the edge of her mug.

Joker could almost hear the sigh that escaped Kaidan, as he glanced down, a flash of pain twisting his lips. “Nothing further from the truth, just stating a fact. Believe me Commander, there is not a part of me foolishly optimistic nor romantic, not after Brain Camp. ” 

The awful story swirled around Joker's mind, the memories of Kaidan's contrite expression as he emptied his burden on Joker's lap as clear as if it had been yesterday. It had taken the biotic almost a year after they met to confide in him how he had killed that turian, snapping his neck like straws in a berserk fury. Joker knew how much that event still affected him, saddling his temper. 

In that moment she placed her hand on Kaidan's. “Hey, it’s ok, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“Thanks ma’am and I’m sorry. Maybe, maybe another time.” He already had his other hand around hers, squeezing softly, a pink blush on his cheeks, and Joker winced. 

She stood up, breaking the contact as politely as she could. 

“Try to get some rest Kaidan, we all need it.”

//

In the semi-darkness of the cockpit Joker bit his thumb, oblivious to the blinking scarlet light of a button, softly beeping, that seemed to urge him to press it, his mind completely wrapped around the twists and turns of a fixed idea. Had she been just polite and empathetic with him as she had been with Kaidan? He couldn't fail to admit he was already beyond salvation, his love for her a sizzling energy brimming out of him, his need for her a thirst that couldn't be alleviated. And he worried, knowing he was probably tying the noose too tight around his own neck, reading too much into things.

With a sigh he took his cap off, and weaved his fingers in his hair, rolling his shoulders as he propped himself up in his chair. 

Around him, everything was quiet, the darkness only interrupted by the emergency lights on the bridge and the scintillating colors of his own panel. 

His sweaty palms and his pounding heart proved to him how much just thinking about her affected him. 

If she wanted him as he wanted her, as he  _ loved _ her…No, no, no.  

_ Wa- _

“Hey man,” a soft pat on his shoulder almost made him jump on his chair, scared of his own thoughts as if he had been broadcasting them through the speakers of the ship.  

He saw Kaidan’s arm stretching over his shoulder to tap on the button that kept flickering on his console. His mouth hung open, still disoriented at the interruption. 

“Why aren’t you sleeping?” Joker managed to ask, as Kaidan fell into the co-pilot seat with  a simper as his hands crossed behind his head. 

He tried to look busy, tapping on his holographic keyboard, glancing sideways at Kaidan.

“Shepard.” Kaidan’s dreamy voice as he said her name was a knife to his ribs.

“What about her?” Joker gushed out, almost barking at his friend. “I mean, is she okay? She seems really stressed lately”, he said shrugging, in an attempt to imprint indifference to his voice.

“Yeah, she’s fine. Damn, she’s more than fine.” Joker turned to see him grinning and felt an impulse to punch him, the green eyed monster lurking beneath his calm surface. 

“You a fan eh?” 

“Since always, c’mon I know you’re on the same boat. Where were you when I bought that gigantic Shepard poster on the Alliance store?”

“Right next to ya, calling you a bit excessive.” He chuckled remembering the scene. His mind drifted back to those days, when the whirlwind of her victory in the Blitz had placed her in the spotlight, him and Kaidan struck by her looks, by her legend. Memories of the both of them hanging around Arcturus echoed in his mind, seeing her in the posters everywhere, admiring the gorgeous woman she was, and feeding from the gossip mill about her prowess. He even remembered that one time he had bumped into her at the station, almost breaking his femurs in a fall she had avoided, and how excited he had been telling Kaidan everything about it. She probably didn't even remember him, just a flickering image for her, but for him it had been surreal. A platonic crush he had said to himself, not unlike Kaidan, trying not to lose perspective.

Now, he wasn’t sure anymore.

“It’s not just that,” Kaidan said cutting his thoughts, turning to look at him, his hand around his neck, kneading his muscles, “she is real. After all these months…” his voice hung in the air, words failing to express what he wanted to say, Joker thought. “I’m so damn lucky to be serving with her. She is not just a hero, but a person, and she gets it. She really does.” A soft smile tugged a corner of Kaidan’s mouth. 

_ He is in love with Shepard. _ The realization made him gulp, a sour bolus going down his throat. He was his best friend, and this was not a shadow he wanted between them. He wasn’t even sure where he stood when it came to her, feeling like walking on quicksand. Fighting for her? He hoped against odds that battle wouldn't be already lost. 

_ Shit. Shit, shit, shit. _


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And just when it seems Joker has finally brought down Janes' barriers...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished this chapter just in time for Joker Week and I was very excited to write it, because of how it developed. As always thank you to everybody who is giving this a chance, for reading and for reviewing when you can. It really means the world to me <3 Big kisses to [AlyssAlenko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlyssAlenko/pseuds/AlyssAlenko), [JulesHawke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JulesHawke/pseuds/JulesHawke) and my awesome friend and cheerleader [luastardust (StarsAndSkies)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luastardust/pseuds/StarsAndSkies). I don't know what I'd do without them.

An hour and counting and she was still inside. He glanced at his holo-clock, trying to hush his need to see if she was fine. _M’kay, just ten more minutes,_ he thought rolling shoulders and neck, trying to give his back a break. His hands worked at the same quick rhythm as his brain, biting the inside of his cheek as a lightning rod for his anxiety. He started bouncing his leg, his boot tapping against the metal panel with regular, dry clinks. 

“Joker you’re driving me nuts. If you need to go to the bathroom, just go! Your shift is over,” Pressley bristled with irritation, standing next to him. 

He jumped, startled by the scowling. “Er-I still have three more minutes of shift, sir.” 

“No, you don't. Ramírez is already there, see? Go!”

Faces with puzzled expressions greeted him from the other stations, as he relinquished control with a shit-eating grin plastered on his face for the first time in his life. Truth was that he couldn’t wait any longer.

He passed through the bridge and the CIC as fast as he could, the lines of his face shifting to a concern that pooled in his gut, as he remembered the sight he caught of her before she stepped into the Mako and stayed there. For an hour.  _ Damn _ . He shook his head as he went down the stairs, carefully, one step after the other until he reached the Mess, darting to the elevator. Curious glances followed him in his way, brows rising in acknowledgment, yet nobody said a word. Once inside he pressed the button to set him in motion to the Cargo Bay, resting his back against the wall.  _ Did any of that have to do with how upset Liara seemed to be after they got back? _

Because he remembered the red rimmed eyes of the asari and the way she almost heaved her own weight back into the Normandy, her shoulders drooping as if she had been carrying Wrex on her back. And Shepard. The defeated look on her face standing next to Liara, hesitantly touching her shoulder, the insinuation of a word left unsaid, all those signs making him feel uneasy. He tsked in annoyance, feeling, and not for the first time, like an outsider when it came to the ground team, having to put pieces together by his own means or maybe rely in idle chit-chat when the opportunity arose. When it came to Shepard, he cared about being leaving in the dark, maybe too much if he had to admit it. 

When the elevator stopped, he made his way out glancing around the vast room that seemed to be deserted. As he approached the Mako, his heart pummeled against his chest at the uncertainty of what he was going to find there. 

He reached the door, his brows rising seeing it open. Jane was there, sitting silently, holding what seemed to be a piece of paper in her hand. There was an expression on her face he couldn't quite read, a small crease on her forehead as she looked intently at what she had in her hands. 

“Hey, can I come in?” 

She gasped and jolted in her seat, her big brown eyes focusing on his face, before smiling faintly and relaxing in her seat again. “Sure, it’s a public place.”  

Once he was inside, he sat next to her, curiosity invading him seeing that what he had taken as paper was an actual photograph; a discolored, creased, old photograph. The face of a woman smiled up at them both.

“Who’s that?” 

She looked at him like pondering a possible answer, giving her thoughts a second to settle. “Nobody really.”

“Then why are you looking at her like that?” 

She seemed to be at a loss for words, turning her head to gaze at the photo again.“It’s a long story…”

He placed his crutches away from him, on the floor, slumping a little against the back of the seat, arms crossed over his chest. “I have time.”

”I--I really don’t think you want to hear my sob story.”

“Yeah, I do.” He said earnestly, as she turned her body to him, flexing her knee on the seat. 

“Ok, so--” Her voice faltered, and she cleared her throat, smiling nervously at him. “Sorry, I mean--I never--I’ve never talked about those days with anyone so it’s--” She let out a sigh and tipped her head down, playing with the edges of the photo. 

He placed his index under her chin lifting her head delicately, electricity pulsing through his fingers at the touch, a soft smile curving his lips. “Hey, it’s alright.” 

The smile she gave him made his heart skip a beat, and his pulse accelerated seeing the light flush on her cheeks. He wasn’t even sure why he was there; he wasn’t a psychologist and for everybody who knew him relatively well, he was just an aloof and ornery bastard with a knack for flying and piss off his superiors. 

“Thanks.” She said as he unwillingly drew his hand away. “It’s just that today--Liara, Noveria, Benezia, all that shit just--dragged this image back into my mind.” 

“What happened?” 

“We had to kill Benezia.” She said softly.

He experienced a pang of understanding, as the memories of the images in the elevator flitted in his mind, falling like the pieces of a puzzle. “How’s Liara?”

“She says she’s fine, but I can't help but wonder y’know?”

“Yeah, that’s rough.” He said as he glanced at her downcast expression with worriness creasing the corner of his eyes. “But--I mean what does that photo have to do with anything?”

She sighed heavily and turned the photo to him. “I want you to meet my mom.” He gaped at her, but before he could say something, she added, “well, at least who for the longest time I thought was my mom.”

“I-- don’t follow, I thought  you were--” He drawled, blinking and knitting his brows together as he saw a half-smile painted on her face. 

“An orphan yes.” She cut his sentence spilling the words, like if they burn her mouth. “But--long story short? When I was a kid one of the sisters at the orphanage gave me this photo, saying she was my mom. The real deal and all y’know? Apparently I’d been crying for like an hour, asking why I was there and y’know kid’s stuff.” She let out a sad chuckle, shaking her head. “So she gave me this and said my mom had been sad to leave me. Later--years later actually, I found out it was all bullshit, it was just a random picture. Lost my shit if you wanna know, but I was never able to get rid of  _ her _ , too many memories. Pathetic huh?” 

His hands twitched in his lap, fighting his impulse to hold her, to hug her tight, to feel her close to him and erase that sadness from her face. His heart cracked imagining a small girl with black hair and brown eyes filled with sorrow and the words almost choked in his throat. “No, it’s not.” 

The gleam of a tear shone through her lashes at the corner of her eye. “Anyhoo, all these mom/daughter things brought this back, and I know it’s selfish but I mean hey, at least Liara  _ had _ Benezia for a while right? And I’ve been wondering--is it worse to lose something you had or crave something you never knew?” Her gaze was fixed on the photo, her thumb drawing circles around the woman’s face. “Can’t help but imagine how different I’d end up being if I’d had her.”  

Words stumbled against each other in his head, unsure of how to answer, what to say; every trace of cynicism disappearing in front of her. He took her hand in his, squeezing it gently. “I think--” he said with a raspy voice, “I think there’s nothing wrong with how you feel, and I know it might feel as if a part of you is missing, but believe me, you’re perfect just the way you are. All the things--good or bad, made you who you are now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

She raised her eyes, piercing his with a keen gaze, her lips slightly parted and the warmth of her hand in his spreading throughout his body like a wilde flame in dry woods. “You think--you think I’m perfect?” She asked in a hoarse whisper that thrummed in his ears. 

The air was thick with unspoken words, the heat rising in him making him feel lightheaded, all of him sparkling with need of her. “Of course you are. You’re fierce, smart, beautiful as hell…” An alarm went off at the back of his mind telling him to back off, to raise his walls again, reminding him of the disastrous crashes of the past but he disregarded  it. Leaning an inch forward with every said word he found himself soon drowning in her scent, her damp lips just centimeters away from his, a fascination that drew him to her like a magnet. 

The moment her lips brushed his, sensations to strong to control made his body shiver, raising goosebumps on his skin, his blood roaring in his ears. He laced his arms around that soft, enthralling body he had yearned to feel for so long, moaning with delight, his tongue daring to intrude in her mouth with the blissful certainty that he wasn’t in a dream. The vanilla taste of her lips touched every corner of his mouth, hitching, ragged breaths filling the cabin of the Mako. 

“ _ Jeff _ , wait!” Her words made his heart leap into his throat, a tremor in his gut as her moist, heavy breath fanned his face. Her hands snuck between them, palms flat against his chest and his heart froze, death-cold, for a moment. “I’m--I’m sorry, I don’t want to force you--.”

He let out a genuine laugh, a rumble growing in his chest quelling the anguish he had harbored for an instant fearing rejection again. “Believe me, you’re not.” He said, eyes fixed on hers, with a low voice, smooth like velvet. 

He pressed his mouth fervently against hers, their tongues tangling together as his fingers grabbed a fistful of lush raven hair at the back of her head, needing her closer. She curled her body against him, until there wasn't an inch of space between them, her lips red and swollen from his kisses. She draped her arms across Joker's shoulders tilting her head to the side to deepen the kiss, throaty moans leaving him as his hands slipped inside her jacket. Fear and joy twirled in his mind, not fully believing his greatest desire had come true, unable to keep the sweat off his palms. It was bittersweet and strange, not knowing what it meant to her, not knowing if she was able to see the love written in his eyes, to feel it sparkling off him. 

“ _ Oh god, Jeff _ …” 

The pleasure exuding from her voice, moaning his name, made heat settle in his groin, rising thick and heady, his cheeks burning red. Her agile fingers skirted up beneath his shirt, intense caresses setting his body aflame, every sense of reality dissolved by her touch. He pressed his nose into her neck, open mouth making his way up, leaving damp traces in his eager path. Gently, he nipped her earlobe…

His body hit the back of the seat with such force it knocked the air from his lungs. He stared at her in disbelief, her hand covering her mouth and terror in her eyes as she scooted backwards in desperation; her eagerness to stay away from him jarring him like daggers slashing his flesh.

“ _Joker_ , I’m--I’m sorry-this was a mistake.” He clenched his jaw trying to avert the blow, but it was useless, the use of his monicker instead of his name itching like a bad rash, but it was useless; she was tearing his heart apart with every word and everything he could do was stay there, awe-struck. “I made a mistake--” She repeated shaking her head, the knife going deeper into his chest. “Regs--I can’t.”

She was gone before he could say anything, the last remnants of their encounter dissipating in the thick air, leaving him empty and hopeless. His eyes burned with unshed tears, a cold grip clutching his heart forcing him to draw deeper and deeper breaths to soothe the ache that threatened to crush him. He grabbed his crutches with trembling hands trying to understand what had just happened. He traced his lips with his fingers, shuddering at the memory of her mouth on his and grieving the loss;  _ why did she escape from me? _

The instinct that had saved him so many times reassured him he wasn’t wrong: she had wanted him as much as he wanted her. A tiny sliver of hope lit in his heart remembering the longing gleaming in her eyes, the desire in her touch, and he swore to himself he wasn’t going to allow that to fade, to slip between his hands. If time was what she needed, he was determined to give her that, to wait for her, to do whatever it took to show her how much he loved her. Because she wanted him too.  _ Bizarro world huh? _ The resolution gave confidence to his steps, a sincere smile spreading on his face.

_ Backing down now? _

_ Hell no! _


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the angst is clearing and there is some light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for reading me and I hope you guys are enjoying this!

Jane stood on the stairs, back slumped against the wall, hands shaking. The tears she hadn’t allowed to flow earlier, were now free, running down her cheeks as she gasped for air between sobs, biting her lower lip hard enough to draw blood, trying to stop it from trembling. As she made her slow way to Crew Deck, her hands ran desperately through her hair, pulling it forcefully; she wanted to scream, to toss, to kick and punch and unable to control herself her fist crashed against the shining metal in a blue gleam. Her heart pounded in her ears as she took in the sight of the dent she had left on the wall, her hand throbbing with a pain that radiated up her arm, blood falling to the floor from her knuckles. She didn’t care. She quickly dried every trace of tears off her face, taking deep, soothing breaths and praying no one would notice it.

When she reached the mess, she walked as stately as she could, eyes fixed on the door of her quarters. 

“Shepard!” Kaidan called out, raising a hand and already standing up from his seat, but she quickened her pace, tilting her head to the side away from him, using her long, black hair as a convenient curtain. 

“Sorry, Lt. I’m in a hurry.” She couldn’t be sure, but she hoped her voice hadn’t cracked giving away her state. 

When she reached her door, pressing the lock as if her life depended on it, she drew a breath of relief. Once inside, the tears came back full force, as a strangled grunt, like the one of a wounded animal, tore from her throat unbidden. 

For a moment, she even considered going back, to run to Joker and spill what was consuming her on his lap, begging for him to understand and to love her as she loved him, begging for him to help her to get rid of those dreadful memories. She took a step back, and raised her hand to press the lock but the seed of that putrid, suffocating fear that nestled within her stopped her. She bit the inside of her hand to muffle her cries, eyes closed and body shuddering from pain, like a razor slicing through her flesh. 

She stumbled to her bed, falling heavily on it, mind fumbling with the scent of his cologne lingering on her: leather, mint and sandalwood that went deep into her nostrils until she couldn’t think of anything but him. It had being the most amazing moment of her life, feeling him flushed with her, the hard lines of his chest pressing against her. She flicked her tongue out, savoring the remnants of him now mixed with the sharp and bitter taste of her own blood but the coppery flavor pulled her thoughts back to that dark pit inside her mind.

_ There's a pain that won't subside, no matter what she does. She doesn't know whether it's day or night, and she hasn't eaten in at least two days. Blood crusts cake her neck, her thighs and chest, her earlobe pierced and torn with the marks of his teeth; her body a map of his abhorrent touch, drawn with bruises and blood and shame. _

Jane lifted her fingers slowly to her ear, to where just minutes ago Joker had kissed her so softly, so gently. The unexpected outcome had thrown her out of her element, and she couldn't believe how much that had affected her bringing pains of the past. It had been ten years since that monster died and still, from the ninth circle of hell he managed to fuck up her life. She grabbed her pillow, squeezing it tightly and wondered how could Joker understand that? How could he deal with that? To accept that marred side of her. He deserved someone better, someone who wouldn’t get scared by a simple kiss. He couldn't force that on him. 

_ It’s not fair!  _ She screamed silently, pressing her knuckles against her eyes, trying to control her faltering breath. 

But life wasn't fair, and that was the reality. She shut her eyes with such force she scrunched her nose, inhaling and exhaling until her chest stopped heaving. The goosebumps vanished, and the smouldering pain of her grief, pressing under her breastbone, disappeared. She had a job to do.

It didn't matter how or why, there was no place for ifs. Right now, there was just a place for duty.

//

Slowly, Joker made his way to the mess, chin held high and lips a stark line, his green eyes bright with determination. He blinked softly and the memories of her flavor and her touch sent a shiver down his spine, tongue swiping over his lower lip, lingering there for a short moment. 

He put his crutches against the first stair and began his way up, almost sad to go back to reality, to break that little oasis of happiness he had had for a moment. He gasped when he lost balance and one of his crutches slipped on the floor. 

_ Holy shit! _

He steadied himself and his gaze swept the surroundings taking notice of all the hints around him. A crack on the wall, blood smeared on the floor, things that hadn’t been there when he went down. He gulped.  _ Was that from--Shepard? Had been kissing him so bad?  _ Maybe he had been wrong all along, maybe he had been too eager to believe in things that were not there. 

_ But it had been her, not him! She’d kissed him first! _ His brain screamed furiously. He needed to see her, needed to understand, and above all else, he needed to know that she was fine. The mess greeted him with the noise of privates and marines roaming around but it was dimmed by the blood roaring in his ears. He stumbled forward, his mind still racing as he followed the copious amount of blood drops leading to Shepard’s cabin door. Lost in his thoughts he almost bumped into Kaidan, standing just outside Shepard’s room, with a frown on his face.

“Hey man, what’s wrong?” Joker glanced at him dubiously, and cleared his throat.  

“I don’t know.” It was clear that Kaidan hadn’t even realized how upset he was, his entire attention on the door in front of him. “I thought- nevermind. What are you doing here?”

His lips twitched involuntarily, his brain panicking struggling to find an answer Kaidan wouldn’t question. “Saw the blood coming here, I wanted to see if Shepard was fine. Tough mission?”

“Yeah, a bit. But she was fine when we got here...maybe something hit her later--made her upset?” Kaidan lowered his face, whispering. “I think she was crying.”

Whatever words he could’ve managed to say were silenced by the hiss of Shepard’s door and a knot formed in the pit of his stomach when his gaze fell on the sharp angles of her face. Her brown eyes were murky and dead, just where minutes ago there had been a glimmer capable of brightening the sky. 

“Is there something wrong? Why are you holding a convention in front of my door?” 

Her voice, hard as steel, punched Joker in the gut. She hadn’t even blinked when she saw him, and he gaped as she glanced sideways at both of them in the most relaxed manner. 

“Commander-” Kaidan stammered, giving a step back. “We saw the blood and just wanted to know if you were alright?”

“It's nothing. Was just heading to see Dr. Chakwas.” She gave them a smile but it was small and dry, barely more than the hinted curl of her lips, lacking all that warmth that Joker had come to love. “Thank you for your concern.” 

Thoughts raced in his mind one after the other as she passed them, the Commander now in place and Jane gone and hidden inside. His eyes followed her until she reached the medbay, when suddenly she glanced back at him. His heart throbbed in his ears at the strange look she gave him, as if she had swallowed something bitter, just to cover it quickly making him wonder if he had seen it at all. 

“Want something to eat?” He felt Kaidan’s hand on his shoulder. “You look like shit.”

“No thanks, I’m not hungry.” Slowly he dragged his steps back to his bunk.

//

The days passed in a slow, boring progression that brought nothing new. Two weeks with not even a word, and Joker had had enough. Sitting in his eternal spot at the cockpit, his brain worked furiously unraveling the tangled strings of the odd exchanges between him and Shepard, clenching his jaw as he tried to understand why she had shied away from their kiss and was now shunning him. Truth was that the entire situation felt like an unpleasant déjà vu, and he was starting to feel spent. 

It was like riding a car with no breaks on a freeway, unsure of the outcome and that made a seething pain pulse inside him. In all the turmoil, it hadn’t escaped him how she had started to skip meals, and the dark circles around her eyes were sufficient evidence for him to know she wasn’t sleeping as well. Knowing she wouldn’t have listened to him, he had told Karin, and it comforted him to know she was taking care of it. 

His fingers tapped on holos, absentmindedly running scans and checks on the ship while the crew tended business on Pinnacle Station, Shepard beating every single score there was to be beaten. A slight tingle of annoyance made him scratch the back of his neck. Everything could be so easy if she just  _ talked,  _ but he knew that wasn't her strong suit.

“The Commander is aboard, XO Pressley stands relieved.” 

He was a little startled when the VI announced her arrival, pondering if he could finally gather his courage and face her. Feeling a twinge of anxiety he saw her heading downstairs. The need to know loomed over him as he stood up, impossible to brush it aside. A dark fear lurked in his heart, his hands cold and his cheeks warm, as he saw her finally going into her room through the cameras. The idea that plunked into his brain was bold enough to make his stomach churn, but he chose it regardless. This time he was going to demand the answers he knew he deserved.

When he finally arrived to Crew Deck, the Mess was almost deserted and he walked to her door, his heart pounding heavy in his chest. He almost choked on a breath when the door hissed open. Shepard was sitting at her desk, staring at him with eyes devoid of emotion. 

He smiled at her trying to ease the tension, and sat on the chair next to her, choosing the forward approach. The silence was palpable, a gamut of emotions flickering on her face, obvious enough for Joker to notice. “So, what’s going on?”

“What’s going on with what?” His knee brushed hers, and he felt it tremble even though her voice was firm. He was surprised she hadn’t kicked him out of her room already, and that strengthened his confidence. 

“C’mon Shepard, y’know what I’m talking about, why have you been avoiding me?” He was facing her, as she pretended to keep working on the pile of datapads in front of her, holding one upside down. 

“I’m busy.” It seemed she had something to add, but her mouth shut tightly, before whispering her next words. “Just busy.”

He took his cap off and ran his fingers through his hair, as he always did when he was upset. “Right. So that’s how it is?” 

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about Joker, and if you’re done I-” 

“Y’know? I thought you were honest Shepard, and at least if you don’t want me around anymore, just say so.” He leaned forward, tilting his head to the side, trying to force her to make eye contact. 

“It’s not that-” She dipped her chin, placing the datapad on the table.

“Then what? What is it? Because I feel like I don’t know if I’m coming or going with you.  _ You _ kissed me and then you bolted? And then no words? What should I think!?”

“Joker, I-” Her eyes seemed to be nailed to the metal table, and he saw her biting her lip. He reached for her hand, squeezing it between his. The contact felt like coming home after being outside on a rainy day. It felt just  _ right _ .

The silence grew until his skin prickled uncomfortably at the unspoken words that hung in the air. He waited, the expectation pulsing through him. 

“Talk to me Shepard, please...” His plea died when her blazing brown eyes locked on him making him forget how to breath, a few strands of hair framing her face, falling from the ponytail she had it in. 

“I just-- I just need time.” 

He held her chin and rested his forehead against hers, a small jolt of trepidation running through him as he leaned closer to her. “Then let me be there for you, don’t push me away, whatever happens I  _ want _ to be there for you,” he said in a strained whisper. 

Like a silent answer she closed the distance between them, pressing her plump lips against his, cupping his face between her hands and his world fell away. It was a kiss full of tenderness, her mouth soft like silk against his sending his thoughts flitting into the air, her feathery touches scorched his skin. It was warm and comforting in a way words could never be. When she pulled away he felt lightheaded, fighting the urge to kiss her again. 

“Thank you.” She murmured, rubbing his stubble with her thumb, smiling shyly at him. 

“For what?”

“For being here...and for being you.”

Fireworks exploded in his stomach as she kissed him again and his world narrowed to the feel of her lips on his. This was where he belonged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to hear your opinions on this or anything! Hit me up on [Tumblr](https://naromoreau.tumblr.com/) too if you want.


	12. Chapter 12

“So, what now?” Joker asked when they finally split, his breath ragged and sharp and his chest growing to make room for all the emotions surging through him. His eyes not leaving hers.  

She smiled at him as her hand held his against her cheek. “I don’t know. All of this is new to me.”

“Are you sure about this?”

“Fuck yeah.” Her fervent tone sent butterflies flying in his stomach. When was the last time he had felt like that?

His forehead rested on hers, and he closed his eyes taking in the scent of cherries that wafted around him. _Was it real? Was it finally real?_ “Then we can do this, we can make it work, Alliance and all.”

“I think so,” she said brushing again his mouth with hers, just slightly more than a peck on his lips, “but I don’t want it to affect our work, or let the crew know, we are betting against the odds and you know it.”

“I know.” He placed his hands on her thighs, his cheeks getting warmer at the under layers of intimacy in that subtle touch, his body betraying his thoughts in the most uncomfortable way. “You just couldn’t keep your hands off your handsome pilot huh?”

“You think?” She quirked a brow, the corner of her mouth curling upwards in a smug smirk. She bent slightly forward, pressing her damp lips against the line of his jaw kissing it down his neck reaching his pulse spot. He couldn’t help but moan and his grip tightened on her legs. “Maybe you’re right.” She straightened, giggling at the grunt he let out when she stopped.

“My big mouth deserved that.” He said with a raspy chuckle, shifting in his seat to alleviate the growing pressure in his trousers.

“Joker-”

“It’s Jeff.” He cradled her face in his rough hands. His brain was having problems to keep on, every touch, kiss, breath and word denting his ability to think clearly. It was surreal.   

A coy smile hid in the corners of her mouth. “Jeff,” she whispered and he shuddered at how right his name sounded in her lips, “there is something you need to know-- I mean, there are things in my past… _bad_ , painful things I don't talk about... and you need to know I'm not-- _well_ before you say yes to all of this-- but I just, I don't know how to explain it--”

His stomach flipped at her rushed and broken words, filling in the gaps in the things unsaid. Her violent reaction at their kiss, the way she shut herself to intimacy, the cold way she had to disconnect from people sometimes, and the reckless streaks that plagued her in battle. All made sense and fueled Joker with an animalistic rage.

“You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to,” he said breathing deeply trying to calm himself, kissing the tip of her nose, “there is nothing in this world that would make me back down from this. You'd have to kill me first and besides, who says you won't be the one kicking me out?”

“Why would I do that?” She asked with a chuckle.

“I mean c'mon, cripple here...”

“That’s not what I see when I look at you  Jeff.”

“Seriously? Because I can't do most of the things that a normal person can do and you really need to know that.”

“Normal things like in…” She trailed off, blushing, her silence eloquent enough.

“Yeah-- well at least not _that_ easily.” He said dryly.

She laughed, sending his worries into thin air, and placed a hand on his cheek. “I don't care. You're smart, funny, terribly handsome, and you're the only one who makes me laugh.”

His heart swelled in his chest, Commander Shepard calling him _terribly handsome_ was something capable of making him falter. Thank god he was sitting. “Don’t forget the best helmsman in the Alliance.”

“And so modest too,” she said with a smirk. “So… we have issues, can we take our time?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said firmly. “And you’re worth waiting for.”

His eyes traveled over her face, admiring the golden shades of her skin and the tempting crimson of her lips, a little awe-struck at the reality of what happened. _Was he with Shepard?_ A small crease formed between his brows.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just-- I can’t believe it. Of all the people you could’ve chosen, and--”

“I want _you_ ,” she said with the sweetest of smiles playing on her face.

She leaned in and in a second her lips were against his, her tongue sweeping at the seams of his mouth, and he drew her in placing a hand at the nape of her neck. He felt dizzy as he sank deeper and deeper into her touch and her flavor and he could swear he had never felt more alive.

His hand refused to let go of her neck when they broke apart.

“Ok,” he said in a whisper, “you proved your point.”

“I’m glad.”

Through the haze of excitement, his brain slumped under the certainty he ought to be somewhere else, _but where_? “Oh shit!, I need to go or Pressley will fry my ass, but dinner today at the mess?” 

“Is that a date?” She said with a playful glint in her eyes.

He chuckled on his way out. “You bet it is.”

When he reached the bridge, his lips and his heart still tingled with the memories of her.

//

When the door closed behind him, Jane’s eyes lingered on it for what seemed hours. _When did she get so lucky?_ The impression of his touch remained, sending flurries of pleasure across her skin, filling her with an exhilaration that reverberated deep inside her. The worry that had gnawed her stomach was gone the moment he told her he “ _wanted to be there for her”. How weird was that?_ She even considered to pinch herself, maybe in a very sensitive spot. That had to be a dream, but the weird part was that it wasn’t.

Was she-- _happy_ ? No, not happy-- _thrilled_. Her biotics skittered along her hands, while a bubble of joy rippled in her stomach, going up until it erupted in a soft giggle. Even now, she craved him, every inch of her body yearning to feel him again. But there were other things to consider.

She paced from one side of the room as it fell on her: she was breaking the rules and with her pilot. She doubted Anderson would approve if word of it came out. The Alliance poster child and Spectre Extraordinaire didn’t hope to see the Council or Udina bowing to her shenanigans. Even if the Brass couldn’t touch her they _could and would_ touch Joker. _Jeff with no rank, no ship, a-- a CAT-6_. Bile choke on her throat.

She shaked her head. _This can work. We can make it work._

//

Two hours later and he was still grinning like an idiot. _How in space was that possible?_ She wanted him. _Him_ . His gut stirred when his thumb brushed his lips and he closed his eyes seeing her blushing at his touch, trembling under him as he delved into her mouth; a heat spread in his loins filling his pants uncomfortably, and he bit his lower lip to repress a moan. Truth was that he had never wanted anyone like he wanted her. Like he _loved_ her. So strongly. So hard, it was physically painful. Even the rush of adrenaline that pumped in his veins when he flew couldn't compare to a minute spent with her in his arms.

“Want me to bring you something from the Mess?” Kaidan flopped beside him in the co-pilot seat, breaking his reverie and Joker almost jumped out of his seat.

Thank god the cockpit was almost pitch black so Kaidan couldn't see the noticeable bulge in his pants. “Ah- nope, no thanks.Will go with you in five.”

“Sure.” Kaidan stretched and yawned audibly.

“Tough day?”

“Kinda. Ahern's simulations were hard and Shepard was determined to do 'em all.”

“Yeah, well, y'know her. It's all or nothing.”

“Yeah and I like it,” Kaidan said with a raspy voice.

Joker clenched his fingers around an armrest of his chair. He wanted to tell him, to scream at the top of his lungs what was going on between them. _Fuck_. Keeping his mouth shut wasn't his best asset and he thought he might as well keep pretending for their sake.

“Is there something about her you don't like?” He said with a lopsided grin, trying to ignore the pang of jealousy in his stomach.

“Not one thing.” Kaidan said, standing up and patting him on the shoulder. “C'mon, Ramírez is here, you're done.”

Joker grabbed his crutches and wondered how on earth was he going to spend time with Shepard without raising red flags, feeling like a stowaway trying to go unnoticed. When they entered the mess the place was filled by chit-chat and the usual guffaw from the crew as people came and go carrying trays with food.  

“Jeff!” Jane's voice called him from a nearby table, and he bit the inside of his cheek to repress a tell-tale smile. She was sitting with Dr. Chakwas and his hands twitched involuntarily around the handles of his crutches. If anyone could read him like an open book it was Karin.

“Duty calls,” he said to Kaidan, touching the bill of his cap.

“Since when does she call you Jeff?” Kaidan said narrowing his eyes. “Oh no-- what did you do this time?”

“See ya.” He shrugged and made his way to Shepard’s table, leaving Kaidan in the dark. When he sat, he saw the curious glance aimed at him, before the biotic turned, answering something Garrus was saying.

“I thought you had forgotten about dinner,” Shepard said as she pushed a food tray in his direction.

“Very thoughtful of you Commander.” Chakwas threw a pointed look at Shepard and he saw her cheeks tinting a reddish color. She looked so beautiful when she blushed he had to force himself to look away.

“Nah Commander, had to adjust the retrofits. I’d never miss a meal.”

“I’m glad you joined us today Joker.” Chakwas said with a flat intonation, focused on her plate.

“Well yeah- wanted to stretch my legs, you’re the one always bugging me about walking more.” He tightened his grip around his fork and knife, trying to not look too flustered. He felt his cheeks getting warm and when his eyes locked with Jane’s he saw she was in a similar situation.

_Damn. We’re screwed._

At this pace Karin was going to find out everything before the end of dinner.

“That’s true, so is this going to be a recurring thing?”

“Yeah.”

Chakwas said nothing, only nodded with a slight smile on her face. He wanted to say something. He wanted to talk to Shepard, to enjoy her company but he doubted his ability to fly under Karin’s radar.

“How’s everything? Anything you need for the med bay?” Shepard shunted the conversation to Chakwas’ field and he drew a breath of relief. Soon Karin expanded on a list of supplies to get at the Citadel as Shepard listened giving her appraisal. When they finished their meal, Karin stood up to leave, taking her empty tray and his heart pounded with excitement at the opportunity to finally have Shepard exclusively for him.

“One last thing Commander,” Chakwas said and Joker realized she was nearly whispering, “I’m very glad for both of you, but you two really need to work on your poker faces.” Joker's heart leap into his throat and with a quick glance he saw Shepard's lips were ghostly white. “You won't fool anyone if you keep staring at each other like that-- yes, Jeff, especially you and close your mouth.”

“But I-”

“It’s not-”

Their stumbled speech came in unison, and it was Chakwas turn to laugh at their astonished faces.

“Your secret is safe with me.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who is reading and commenting, you guys definitely bright my days, weeks, months! Also a huuuge shoutout to JulesHawke for being an amazing beta and for always allow me to throw my silly ideas at her. You rock lovely!

“Relax angel, everything is going to be fine.”

“I'm just getting tired of all this bullshit.” Jane's voice was broken by ragged breaths and slightly sharpened by static. “Fucking hate Saren. I'm gonna kick his bony ass when I put my hands on him.”

He chuckled and lay back in his seat. He congratulated himself for the idea of opening up a private comm because… it was that or soon he’d have to duct tape the damaged arm rests of his chair.

“I mean,  _ fuck! _ ” she bristled with barely contained anger, “I almost had to shoot Wrex.”

“You were awesome there, boss. Nice use of that tongue.”

“You’re impossible Jeff.” She scoffed and he would’ve given his monthly pay to see her blush. “And I’m boss now? What’s wrong with angel?”

“So you  _ did _ notice huh?” A playful smirk danced on his lips.

“Well-- yeah.”

He could almost picture her, all flustered with her cheeks tinted pink, and his heart swelled until it was about to burst out of his ribcage. “What about if I tell you, you’re my big badass warrior woman? Does that sound good?”

“Aww, you just know what to say flyboy.”

“You know me ma'am, I always like to deliver.”

It was easy. Like it was always meant to be. The words flowed, and the awkwardness of the first days had been replaced by them sharing who they were with the other. Snark and caresses a plenty.

Through the party comm, he now listened to Kirrahe explaining to Shepard his plan and his stomach churned at the finality of his words.  _ Realistic? _ Perhaps, but in contrast he couldn’t help but compare the practicality of salarians against human nature, that never bowed to doom even against the odds. And there was Shepard to prove it.

“I’m gonna hit the front of the facility and while we’ve got their attention you can sneak your ‘shadow’ team in the back to arm the nuke,” Kirrahe said, his voice dimmed by the distance, “I know it’s a difficult situation but I’ll need one of your team to accompany me to coordinate the teams. I don’t have to say it's possible no one will survive.”

Joker’s brows shot up.

“I bet he is the life of the party,” he huffed in open comm, and even Kaidan chuckled.

It sounded like the situation was going to hell in a handbasket; there was no way all things worked according to plan. His hands clenched around the armrests of his chair, as the dead weight of concern settled in his chest.

“Williams you’ll accompany the Captain, but no heroics understood?”

Given the clear danger of the mission ahead, Joker knew it couldn’t have been easy for Jane to decide that, even when her voice was still the same: steady and clear.

“Joker, I’m sending you the coordinates to pick up the nuke. I’ll give you word when we’re ready.”

“Aye, aye ma’am.”

He typed the coordinates, his entire self almost burning with anticipation for what was about to come,  and switched to their personal comm.

“Hey, so should I call you Baggins now?”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Oh c’mon, gettin’ into the enemy fortress while someone plays a distraction? doesn’t ring a bell?”

“What on earth are you talking about?” She whispered.

He heard the muffled speech of Kirrahe in the background and rolled his eyes. As if they needed a reminder of how serious things were, how in a few seconds many of them could die. To wallow in the impossibility of a mission. Sometimes he didn’t understand soldiers. At least he could try to imprint some sense of normality into this, even if his own heart froze in his chest at the idea of losing her. To let her know she had something to fight for. Someone to return to.

“Hello? Lord of the Rings?” He continued, jokingly.

“Ah- nope.”

“What?! Once you’re back we’re binge watching it. I mean, I can’t believe you haven’t watched it, it’s a classic! That has to be a crime somewhere!”

He heard her let out a stifled chuckle that soon became a very fake cough, like if she was trying to suppress a jag of laughter. “You're such a nerd.”

“Commander please, pay attention.”

“Shut up, flyboy.”

There was a moment of indistinct noise coming through the line, clicks and swooshes and maybe some pounding.

“Alright Skipper, see you on the other side,” Ashley said finally.

“We’re still on the same team chief, we’re together in this.”

There was an almost imperceptible delay in Ashley's answer that made Joker uneasy. “It’s been an honor, ma'am.”

Soon the entire channel was filled with Shepard's steady pattern of inhaling and exhaling. Joker sensed an ominous threat hanging over them as he listened to Shepard giving orders to Garrus and Wrex.

“Hey Janey,” he cleared the nervousness out of his throat, “be careful,  _ please _ .”

“Don’t worry flyboy. I'll be back in no time. And you may want to download that movie for later. Does that sounds like a plan?”

“Best one ever,” he said relaxing his grip on the clawed material of the arm rests. He looked down.

_ Yeah. I’m probably needing duct tape anyway.  _

 

//

His head spun violently. This couldn’t be happening. He steadied the Normandy, his senses sharp and ready. Blood pumped in his ears, goosebumps flaring on his skin as adrenaline skyrocketed inside him.

“It’s done Commander, go get Williams and get the hell out of here!” Kaidan yelled, and Joker’s heart plummeted. Flashes of the last five years appeared in front of him, Kaidan’s face an on and off presence in his life. He couldn’t imagine losing him, and yet the possibility hung in the air, smothering his reactions.

“Screw that! Go get Alenko!”

Seconds passed in silence, spreading through the channels and Shepard’s anxiety soaked through it. It was clear she was pondering quickly a way to get them all out of there alive but there was nothing anyone could do to help her. Not even him. 

“Joker, meet us at the bomb site!” Shepard said with that same clear and firm tone she used in combat. Not a single trace of regret. Not a single trace of doubt. After all she was an N7.

“Aye, ma’am.”

“Commander I-.” Kaidan stammered and Joker struggled to breath. The connection with reality seemed feeble. Everything seemed like a nightmare.

“Y’know it’s the right choice Lt.”

“I’m sorry Ash, I had to make a choice.” Shepard’s apology slapped him in the face, it was the saddest voice he had ever heard.

“I understand Commander, I don’t regret a thing.”

When he looked down at his console, he realized Jane had closed the private comm. 

 

//

Once out of FTL, he steadied the engines. There was a high pitch in his ears that refused to disappear, his temples pounding under a haze of exhaustion. His eyes got caught on the cameras, Shepard’s figure brushing aside Liara and Kaidan, practically running out of everyone’s sight.

He thought about going to her, and just when he was about to turn on the autopilot, he saw her heading into her quarters and the lock turned red. He slouched against his chair. In the few weeks they were together, she had never locked her door.

The minutes turned into hours, and the waiting was jarring. Kaidan didn’t join him on the bridge and he was all alone. Looking around he realized almost everybody had disappeared except the skeleton crew. It was almost midnight.

A light swoosh caught his attention, and he turned his head at the console at breakneck speed. Jane was leaving her room wearing loose pants and a tank top, but it was her face that startled him. There wasn’t a single trace of tears.

He accepted, begrudgingly, that she wanted to be alone, and settled back on his seat. He had a deep desire to go there and hold her. To show her everything was going to be fine. That everything was fine. They were all alive thanks to her. Well, maybe not Ashley but that wasn’t her fault. That had been just circumstances.  _ And Saren _ .

He snapped out of his thoughts when repetitive thuds filled the room. She was furiously unleashing her rage against a punching bag and he gulped. He knew she was strong. She was an N7. But the few times he had caught glimpses of her in the field, she was swallowed by armor and biotics. Now, she was like a raw nerve, hitting her target with wild force. Not for the first time he compared himself to her and doubts arose in him. She was a soldier that could break him with her pinky finger, biotics or not. She was...a force of nature. And he was damn lucky.

She threw herself against the punching bag in a barrage of strikes. And then she stopped. Chest heaving. Sweat glistening her skin. And blood dripping from her knuckles to the floor.

_ Shit! _

That was enough. He closed the feed and started programming the autopilot. This wasn't happening again. Now she had to listen to him, whether she wanted to or not, he was going to be there for her.

//

“I--I had the same idea.” Kaidan heaved a sigh and walked until he was standing next to her. “I can't sleep. It's all my fault--”

“Kaidan don’t.” She grabbed a rag as a towel and dried her forehead, averting her eyes from him. Kaidan's presence was painful. A reminder of how she had failed. To him. To Ashley. “If you wanna blame someone, blame me.”

“That's not true.” He looked straight into her eyes but his gaze was pulled by the rag in her hand. “Commander, you're bleeding!”

“Mmh? Oh. It's nothing-”

“Allow me.”

He gently took her hand, and examined it. Grabbing a nearby medical kit he took some gauze and a bottle and  slowly cleaned her wounds, applying medigel with gentle strokes.

Her eyes were fixed on his hand. “Thanks Lt.”  _ Kaidan could've been dead by now. Ashley is dead. And it’s your fault. _

“It's ok, Shepard,” he said staring into her eyes.

Everything happened in a fraction of a second. His lips were on hers and his hand settled at the small of her back pulling her closer to him. She closed her eyes instinctively.  _ What was going on? _ His arms were strong, his embrace desperate and her hands rested on his chest not knowing how to push him without hurting his feelings. It was wrong. 

There was a clank, a clatter of metal against metal that Jane recognized and her heart plummeted. They broke apart in a haste. Joker was there, just standing, his green eyes looking at her with disappointment. His eyes swept both of them for a second before going up the stairs, disappearing from her.

“ _ Jeff _ , wait!”

She almost threw herself after him, without realizing she had another problem just right there. A problem she wasn’t eager to face.

“I’m-I’m sorry Commander.” Kaidan’s voice made her turn. He was slumped against the wall, his hands woven in his black hair. “I don’t know what came over me, I feel so out of myself. This isn’t me.”

She repressed her desire to run to Joker, knowing she needed to clear things with Kaidan first. Even now, she couldn’t be mad at him. She was still too rattled by the previous experience and knew Kaidan should’ve been feeling the same. “It’s alright Lt. It’s ok.”

“It was wrong. Completely out of line Commander, and I’m sorry.”

She moved forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I know what’s going on and it’s ok. You feel bad, guilty--”

“It’s not just that Commander, I mean I think you know it by now.” He gazed at her and straightened, taking a step forward. “I-- I fell in love with you Commander and today I thought-- I was never gonna have an opportunity to tell you.”

It was not as if she hadn’t been aware of Kaidan’s attraction to her. But love? He didn’t even know her. Still, he was a good man, a good friend and she didn’t want to drag his feelings through the mud. “Kaidan, I think you’re rushing. There are things you don’t know about me--”

“Commander, please.”

“I think you’re a good man, an excellent soldier and a true friend, but I’m--”

“You don’t feel the same.”

Her mouth was dry, and her answer took her longer to articulate than she thought. “I’m sorry.”

He took a step back giving her a sad smile. “It’s not your fault Shepard. In any case, the only one to blame is me. I thought-- I don’t know what I thought, but I assure you this won’t happen again. Thank you for being honest with me.”

He spun on his heels and left her alone with a tangled swirl of thoughts in her mind. 

  
  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? An update! So, sorry it took me so long <3 
> 
> As always a shoutout and a big thanks to JulesHawke and AlyssAlenko my friends, betas and partners in the shoker hell. Love you guys so much!

_ Idiot, idiot, you’re an idiot.  _ The words echoed in every clank of his crutches against the floor. 

He blinked, his eyes prickling with hot, burning tears. He considered going back to his station, but walking down the bridge, crying his eyes out in plain sight of everyone didn’t seem like a dignified option. Thank god, the ship was almost deserted. He rushed into the bathroom and locked himself in one of the small stalls. Once inside he stopped trying to hold the tears in. Damn Alliance and their shared spaces. His hands were shaking, but he didn’t know if it was from rage or sorrow, a vortex of dreadful emotions clawing inside him. 

He blinked again, and he winced. The images were scorched in his eyelids even if he wanted to forget them. A spiral of frames made him retch,  _ her eyes closed as Kaidan kissed her, holding her tight, almost… almost devouring her _ . His hands twitched in his lap, forming fists around the fabric of his pants.  _ You stupid ass, fuck! _

He rubbed his chest, his hand going up and down his breastbone, the pain inside him almost physical now. Everything was wrong. He shook his head in confusion, trying to clear the fog of unrealness out of his brain. His limbs felt weird, loose, a strange hollowness invading him, and he took a deep breath. Suddenly the air seemed scarce around him. He gasped. 

 

_ Why did she do that? _

He cleaned his eyes with his wrists, but the tears just kept coming in earnest.  _ Maybe the mission put something in perspective. Maybe she realized it was Kaidan all along.  _ He clenched his jaw, and took off his hat, running his fingers through his hair, furiously.  _ And at the end, wasn’t that logical? _ It had been a dream. A wonderful dream, but he had to wake up and face the choking weight of reality. Jane had to know, had to  _ see _ he didn’t deserve her. A bitter, ill-tempered pilot with brittle bones, that was all he was. The images bombarded his mind again, like a curse he couldn’t get rid of.  _ You fool, you idiot!  _ How in space could she want him? That must’ve been his clue. His track record stood as proof. Rejection. Rejection. Plain humiliation. And then Shepard telling him--

_ But she had never said anything.  _ Just that she needed time, and maybe-- maybe he had twisted that. But then she had kissed him, and  _ Oh God,  _ those kisses had tasted like heaven, had felt like glory. Against his will he didn't say a word, to not scare her off and because deep down he didn’t want to receive just a  _ thank you _ in exchange for an  _ I love you _ .  And of course, she had never said anything because love just… wasn’t there. 

Someone like Shepard could never fall in love with someone like him. He just had to look around to see everyone was more a possible partner for her than him. And that included Kaidan. A grunt darted pass his lips. 

_ Shit.  _

He could spend days or even months, going around that same old argument. But it'd be like a dog chasing its own tail,  _ stupid and pointless _ . 

Collecting himself he left the stall, washing his face in the small sink. He needed to get back to his chair before someone let Pressley know his bathroom breaks were longer and longer each time. He took a deep breath and hoped she didn't want to talk, to tell him what he already knew. She deserved to be happy, and with all his heart he wished she was, but right now, seeing her would be pure torture. 

//

When he reached the cockpit his hands began shaking. The dim lights fell on Shepard, as beautiful as always, midnight hair loose and flowing down her shoulders, small drops of sweat lingering on her skin still. Just looking at her was shredding his stomach to bits. 

“Jeff!” She stood up, her brows knitted together and her eyes, pleading.

“Commander.” He walked slowly to his chair, trying not to trip; that would’ve been the pathetic icing on the cake. When he passed next to her, his arm brushed hers and a blazing pain spread through him. 

“Jeff c’mon, we need to talk,” she said sitting next to him, in achingly close proximity.

“You don’t need to tell me anything, Shepard.” 

“Could you please, just--” 

“Seriously, you don’t have to do this.”

“Can you please let me explain? What you saw-- It wasn’t what you think it was.”

“It wasn’t?” He bristled, turning to face her, feeling his anger, his pain bubbling inside. “Because from where I stood it definitely looked like you were fucking kissing Kaidan.” She flinched as if he had hit her with a whip. “I’m sorry,” he closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I mean-- what’s going on Shepard? I thought we had something, and if you changed your mind at least-- at least you could’ve told me.”

She huffed, clearly exasperated. “I’m trying to explain it!”

“Then what? It was an accident? He tripped and fell on you?” 

“Could you please just shut up and listen?”

“Fine.” He crossed his arms across his chest. He knew he was going out of his way to be a dick, but hell help him. He was still railing with anger and sadness.  

She heaved a sigh, holding his hands and slowly pulled them down, placing them on his knees. “ _ He kissed me _ ,” she drawled, “it came out of nowhere, it completely caught me off guard. I didn’t want it. I was just-- baffled, surprised, didn’t know what to do. It only lasted a second.”

He squinted.  _ Was she actually saying what he thought she was saying? _ Suddenly his blood started to thud in his veins. “So are you telling me you didn’t want him to do that?” A tiny sliver of hope lit in his heart. His breath came a little less fast. 

“No! He took my hand, I was bleeding and he-- he just patched me up, like a hundred times before, and a second later--”

“Shepard you don’t have to lie to me, if you don’t want this anymore I’ll understand--” he said, half expecting her to say yes, for things to follow the path it usually took when it came to him. 

She rolled her eyes, and tsked in annoyance. She squeezed his hands gently and shook her head.  “Could you please cut that crap already? I’m telling you. I want you. You. No one else.” She released him as she exhaled softly. “After you left, he told me he loved me and I told him the truth. That I didn’t. Because I don’t.” 

He let escape a deep sigh, as the ground began feeling more steady under his feet. “Jeezus Jane, for a second I thought I lost you.” 

“No,” she said with a small smile, “not at all.” 

“God, angel, you scared me,” he said touching her forehead with his, “but  _ please _ , you have to let me in, not just when things are good, but when things suck,  _ especially _ when things suck.” His right hand cupped her cheek. “Why did you lock yourself in your quarters?”

“‘Cuz that’s how I do things, just letting things die in silence I guess,” she blurted out, dipping her chin, “I didn’t wanna see how many people I let down, I didn’t want to think about Ash…” Her eyes locked on his, and he saw a tiny glow of regret dancing there. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to shut you down. I-- I’ve never had to deal with this before and I don't want to stuff it up-- I don't want to lose you.”

He wanted to hug her so bad, but there were still people on the bridge, glancing at them from time to time. Thankfully the angle worked in their favor. “This is what I meant when I told you I was here for you.”

“I know.” She beamed at him. “God, I feel so stupid. All the hours I wasted chewing on my anger and now-- my shift starts in seven hours. Yours?”

“Eh-- just have half hour more, then Ramírez takes the helm.” 

“Come to my quarters, after you’re done.” The smile that she flashed in his direction made his chest constrict slightly. 

She left the cockpit and his eyes followed her, glued to her perfect figure. That was the longest half hour of his life. 

//

“Come in.”

Joker stepped into her quarters, and inadvertently hummed in pleasure. He knew he was staring, and maybe his jaw was hanging a little, but he couldn’t help it. She had changed into  _ very short _ shorts and a white tee that hinted at  _ everything  _ underneath, and it was clear she wasn’t wearing a bra. The shorts hung low on her hips, leaving her hip bones and low abdomen bare, taut muscles freely on display.  _ Close your mouth, don’t be a creep! _

She approached him, lacing her arms at his neck, pressing herself into him, a half smile tugging her lips. If she had noticed his vapid, stupid expression, she was certainly not bothered by it. Her hair was still damp and the smell of her cherry-based shampoo flooded his nostrils. She kissed him, her tongue gently sweeping across his lips, and the sensation of the warmth of her breath and the softness of her lips, made him moan.

His shins started to complain, but he hated to break the moment. “Mmm, Janey, could we--?”

“Move to the bed?” She looked at him with bedroom eyes and he shuddered, as she moved to sit on her fairly large bed.  

_ What-- How-- Damn. _

He tried to repress the urge to grin like an idiot. His gaze was fixed on the dimples at the small of her back, and her round ass. 

_ Shit.  _ He fought with his numbed brain to stop the trainwreck of his thoughts before they gave him away, feeling his trousers tightening around him. 

“Aren’t you coming?” she said with a small pout. 

He blinked, slamming his mouth shut, approaching to her. “Yeah, eh-- sure.”

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah, why?” He put his crutches against the wall and sat next to her. Once they were alone he couldn’t help but overthink his movements and desires. It made him hesitate.

“You seem distracted. Is-- Do you have to be somewhere else?”

“Wha-- No!” 

“Then what?”

“Well, maybe I’m a bit distracted,” he said chuckling, as she removed his hat, her fingers skittering over his sensitive skin, planting her lips on his between words.  

“Work?” She breathed, scooting closer to him. 

“Nah,” he whispered, as his hand crept up her bare thigh, “more pleasant things.”

She broke the kiss, staring at him with curious eyes. “Well now I wanna know.”

Not even his beard was able to cover the crimson blush that burned through his cheeks. “Ah-- you.”

“Me? You see me everyday.”

“Not like this. I mean--” he cleared his throat and swallowed hard. “I don’t think I could do my job with you walking around the bridge like this.”

She looked at him from under her long lashes, and his shyness broke. He kissed her as arousal flooded his senses. His hand slid behind her back, pulling her closer, tasting her thoroughly, as an electric shock careened through him from head to toes. It was intense, and everything he wanted. His blood tingled with desire and he could’ve sworn his skin was about to burst in flames as she touched him under his t-shirt, her fingers drawing circles on him and he responded in earnest, nibbling the sensitive silken surface of her neck.  

“I-- god Jeff.” Her voice was hoarse, and his chest tightened knowing he was capable of making her writhe and moan with his touch. 

They molded to each other, and she leaned back on her elbows, as he fell on her, his erection pressing against her thigh. His tongue swirled in her mouth, and a throaty moan escaped him when she grabbed his hand and placed it under her shirt. He crept upwards, and swiped his thumb along the curve of her naked breast. His stomach was in knots, words failing to form in his brain, desire and need pushing everything aside. 

His mouth trailed to the side, and his teeth dragged along her earlobe but before he had time to do more, she stiffened. 

“Janey?”

Her breath was quick and shallow, her fingernails digging into the flesh of his back. She was looking at him with blurred eyes. 

“Jane.” He propped on his elbows, caging her. “Are you--? Is it me? Is this too fast?” His tongue almost stuck to his palate. He shouldn’t have let himself get carried away. Slow she had said.  _ Way to go idiot. _

His words seemed to rattle something inside her. “What? No. Not at all!” Her hands flew upwards, cradling his face. “I’m sorry Jeff, it’ just that--”

He moved back, sitting again, pulling her to him. “What?” 

She blew air hard, reaching for his hands. “Ok don’t shut you down you said. Ok, see this?” She pulled her hair to the side, showing him her marred earlobe. “The way the scar got there-- it’s not a pleasant memory. And when somebody touches it I just have this reaction--- I can’t help it.”

He didn’t need to ask. “It’s ok, angel. I’m the one who’s sorry, you said slow, and I just--”

“Oh shush, it’s ok. I wanted it, but-- I think it wasn’t meant to be today.” She chuckled, back to her usual self. 

“Yeah, people are gonna talk if they see me leaving your quarters.” He didn’t want to leave; in fact, he had to use all his sheer will to move his arm to get his crutches. ”It’s late, you need to rest,” he said placing a final, chaste kiss on her lips. 

“Yeah I suppose I do.” 

When he reached his bunk, Kaidan shot him a quizzical look and he avoided his gaze, hiding under the shadow of his cap. Joker didn’t fail to notice he looked grim, but for the first time, he didn’t ask. 

As he lay there, he cursed the circumstances. After all Kaidan was his friend, and sooner or later he’d find out. What the outcome could be? He wasn’t sure still. Within minutes they both fell asleep under the strained silence of broken confidence. 

  
  



	15. Chapter 15

Anger boiled up inside her, brewed slowly by months and spiced up with disappointment. She should’ve known better.  _ Spectre…yeah right.  _ It was just a title, worthless as her words to the Council, worthless as her actions had been since the whole ordeal began. She let out a sigh that carried out most of the air she had in her lungs, and some of her dashed hopes.

“You’re doing it again, babe.” Joker spun in his chair behind her, his voice tinted with concern. 

“Hmm?”

“That whole not-talking thing,” he said moving his index finger in loose circles, pointing at her, “you’re at it again.”

She closed the distance between them, sitting heavily on the panel in front of his chair, the line of her shoulders slightly sagged. One quick glance around the bridge left her chest aching,  _ bad _ , the empty stations whispering her failure. 

“Grounded! Like I’ve done something wrong!” She exploded, following her own mental ruminations out loud. She buried her head between her hands, fingers anxiously twinning in the raven strands of hair. 

“They’re morons, you know that. They’ve their heads so far up their asses they couldn’t see the truth even if it hit ‘em in the balls,” Joker said tilting his head forward, taking her hands in his, kissing her knuckles. 

She smiled, but it was barely a shred of the joy she had harbored up until today. She’d been so confident, so trusting, believing the Council would approve of her incursion in the Terminus Systems. And the clock was ticking, every passing second giving Saren the advantage, bringing the Reapers closer, doom--

“Hey, y’know what you need to do?” Joker said, holding her chin between his thumb and forefinger, cutting her thoughts short, “you need to hijack the Normandy.”

Jagged laughter rippled through her. “Is that your solution to every problem?”

“No, but hear me out! We can do it, we can take our baby and-- just go.” 

She huffed. “Yeah I keep forgettin’ I have the only pilot in the Alliance who can claim ‘hijacking ships’ as a specialty on his resume.”

“I’m dead serious, Janey.”

“Y’know the brass could kick you out right?”

He pulled her gently to him, and she landed on the edge of his seat. Up close, the stark lines of his frowning became crystal clear. “I don’t care. If you need to go there, I’ll take you and that’s it. I am _ your _ pilot. Always.” 

He slid his palm on her neck, his thumb brushing her earlobe. His green eyes gazed at her with an adoration that made her tremble. “But if they caught you, I mean-- that’d be no flyin’ for you anymore,” she whispered.

“Told ya. I don’t care. You’re way more important than that and if you need me to, I’ll do it.”

Suddenly her cheeks lit pink, acutely aware of the blood rushing in her ears, a spring of bliss washing her anger for a moment. “Jeff, I-- thank you.”  _ Love you _ , her brain screamed _ ,  _ but the words never left her mouth. It was unfair to blurt out those words on his lap right when neither of them knew where their lives were going. She still wasn’t sure if he was even on the same page. That thought burst her pink and shiny bubble. “Still, we’re docked. It’s a silly idea.”

He exhaled. “Yeah, you’re right-- but hey,” slowly, he slid his arms around her waist, lacing his hands at the small of her back, “at least I have the Commander where I want, and now I don’t have to stop doing what I’ve wanted to do since I saw you for the first time on the bridge.”

When his lips swallowed her first breath, fire lit between her thighs--there was something  _ provocative _ about kissing  _ her _ pilot in the cockpit of  _ her _ ship. A glaze of desire rose in her, as his tongue stroked her lips, his eager hands creeping up her back. She whimpered. God, he drove her crazy. She tilted her head to deepen the kiss, exhaling through the corner of her mouth. She didn’t want respite, in fact, she didn’t want to spend another minute without touching him further. But the old wounds still twinged, even if with every day and every caress he tried to shove them away. Lust and shame curdled in her gut. 

She opened her eyes seeing his green irises engulfed by the black of his pupils, his desire evident in his hot breath, rough hands, and in the evident bulge in his pants. With mastered will, she collared her need. 

Suddenly, a hiss came from Joker’s mouth, turning into an almost inaudible curse.

“Shit!” He winced, closing his eyes and letting her go as if she was scorching hot. “Yes, sir this is Joker-- Yes, Commander Shepard is here--I’ll let her know.”

He chuckled under her puzzled gaze. “Damn me, and my comm on. Anderson called, he wants for you to meet him at Flux.”

//

It’d be probably an hour until she came back.  _ Shit, that was close _ . He adjusted his belt, trying to release a little pressure from under there. It was starting to feel constricted. It definitely didn’t help that his mess of a brain kept dragging him down to the memories of her flavor and her touch, her skin and lips damp and moist.  _ Ok, stop with the reminiscing. _ But who could blame him, right? She had to be the most beautiful woman he’d ever met, and she was also deadly as hell. But that wasn’t all, she was  _ real _ . He tsked at the simplistic word, yet what else could he say? She treated him like a person, saw him like a man, like an equal. Pity had never been in the timbre of her eyes or her voice and he was sold from day one. Yeah, she had issues, but who didn’t? It certainly made him love her more, but also brought the  _ necessity _ to protect her. He chuckled. As if she needed it. 

The eerie silence of the ship had him on edge. After so many months of being lulled even in his waking time by the hum of the engines, now everything seemed plain, boring...  _ dead _ . It was weird to think he kind of even missed Pressley, though truth be told the XO had changed a lot since he first met him, almost like if he had started to see through Shepard’s eyes. And he wasn’t the only one. Joker took his cap off, slithering his fingers through brown locks of hair. She had turned his world upside down and he was still juggling with all the feelings and emotions she managed to ignite inside him. His head fell back, a devilish grin plastered on his face.  _ His Jane _ .

“Joker, you there? _ ” _ He snapped out of his daydream, fumbling with his earpiece. 

“Yes, Commander.”

“Notify the crew: return to the ship asap.”

“Yes, ma’am. Shepard?” He couldn’t help his curiosity. “What’s going on?”

She took a second before answering, the amusement clear in her words. “You'll know it soon enough.”

/

“I knew it was the only way!” His fingers flew over the keyboard as she stood next to him. They had already left Citadel space and Joker was diminishing the energy of the thrusters.

“Yeah well, it sounded better coming from Anderson than from you, fellon.” His eyes darted to her, seeing a casual smirk spreading on her face. She leaned forward, as if looking at his console and he eagerly took a breath of her scent. “You up for that movie you told me about?” she said softly, without detourning her eyes from the panel. 

“Ahh-- I, uhm, I have a shift.”  _ Damn _ .

“Leave it to me.” She flashed him a wink that put his unflappable facade to test. “Pressley,” Shepard turned to face the XO that already approached to her from his station. “Would it be possible to change the roster? I want Joker rested to face Ilos, we don’t know what we’ll find there.” 

The Navigator nodded. “Of course Commander, I’ll let Ramírez know.”

When Pressley left, she downed to his level. “See?” Her hot breath in his ear and her voice rasping at the word, unleashed a frisson of  desire that coursed through him. “I’ll see you there,” she said leaving.

And so he was standing at her door, just ten minutes after she left the bridge, still feeling that paralyzing nervousness getting ahold of him.  _ Jeez, get a grip _ . A single drop of sweat fell down his temple. 

The familiar hiss greeted him and his heart took it as a cue to start galloping like a wild horse. Jane was already on her bed, with the attire he already knew so well and his body handled it badly. 

She patted the bed next to her, smiling at him, and something in his stomach lurched at the sight. “Brought the movie?”

“Yeah. They’re actually three long ass movies, but maybe we can watch the first? See if you like it.” He sat next to her, taking off his boots, his back resting on a nest of pillows she had already prepared. He turned on his omnitool, syncing it with her computer, as she rested her head on his shoulder, an arm wrapped around his waist.     

He found difficult to concentrate on the frames in front of him, with the warmth of every inch of her body pressed against him. She fell asleep through the middle of the movie, but he didn’t have the heart to wake her. Instead, his gaze slid over her, flyaway strands of long and thick hair falling awry around her head and his shoulder, the soft lines of her face that seemed to be carved by an artist, and miles of satin-like skin glistening under the lights of her cabin. His hands prickled with the need to touch her.  _ No, it’s time to leave.  _ He tried to wiggle out of her embrace without wake her, but she moaned gripping him tighter. He was about to rethink his approach when her eyes flew open. 

“Is it over? Oh my god, I’m sorry!” She pouted and he chuckled at her sad expression. 

“It’s ok, you were tired. We can watch it any other time.” He sat ramrod straight, and was starting to move his legs to the edge of the bed when she held him by the shoulder. 

“Can you stay for a bit?” His eyes opened in surprise and she hurried to finish her statement. “I mean, just if you can, if you want to leave it’s ok, you must be really tired and--

“Hey, hey,” he said cutting her ramblings, placing his index under her chin. “I’m not going anywhere.”

He caught her lips between his and slowly, they fell on the bed, hitching breaths and eager hands enhancing the moment. He didn't want to push things further, still unsure of were the threshold was.  _ Slow, she said slow.  _ He repeated to himself as he grew harder inside his trousers.  She was beautiful, and to have her so close, kissing him, moaning for him, it made him dizzy. Still he managed himself with care. It didn’t matter how much he wanted her, he’d wait for her cue.  It was hard though. Her full, round breasts pressed against his chest and his erection rubbing against her thigh was driving him mad with desire, and he unleashed his love, adoration and need in the kisses he was giving her. At the end, this wasn’t how he wanted their first time to be. 

“God I want you,” she whispered on his mouth, and he shuddered at the desire in her voice. “But you haven’t slept at all and I don’t want to be the one to blame for that.”

“Yeah,” he said, drowning in her, “don’t want Pressley firing you because you broke the pilot.”

“Jeff, seriously, I want this, but the more I think about it, I think this isn't the time or place.”

“Yeah, rushed sex sounds great and all, but I don’t want that for us.”

“Can you stay?”

“Hell yeah. I mean, we stole an Alliance ship, we’re definitely gonna be court martialed, and right now? I don’t care if they add this charge to the pile of crap they’re gonna accuse us of.”

“Seriously?” she smirked, her hands pressed flat on his chest, “because if you stay here tonight, everybody will know. Can you live with that?”

“With what? With the fact that I spent the night with the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met? Sounds like something to be ashamed of right?” 

She chuckled, nestling on his arm and he felt like the luckiest bastard alive. He placed a kiss on the crown of her head. 

“Are you comfortable like that? You can grab some clothes if you want. I promise this is not some trick to take advantage of you.” She laughed at his fake offended face. But truth was that he was still a little bit too conscious about his physique. 

“It’s ok, I fall asleep all the time like this in the cockpit.”

“Does your boss know?”

“No, if you don’t rat me out.”

Her fingers drew circles on his arm, and a knot formed on his chest. “Janey, I--”  _ love you _ , “be careful down there. We don’t know what you’re gonna find.” His arms closed around her, and for a moment he felt a chasm expanding between them, all an illusion of course, a dread figment of his worst nightmares, something that would never be true he assured to himself. He canted his head to the side, resting on hers.

“I will-- and you too, ye hear me? And there’s-- there’s something you must promise me.” She dipped her chin upwards, his eyes almost pleading. 

“Anything,” he found himself answering before his brain had the time to process the implications, strings that now pulled from his stomach, fearing something that he didn’t want to hear. 

She heaved a deep breath. “Should the worst happens-- no, no, listen to me Jeff please,” she said when he managed to groan, as a chill ran down his spine, “if the worst happens, you have to promise me you’ll leave, you’ll save the crew and the Normandy, and yourself.”

“You know damn well I can’t make that promise,” he said firmly once he found his voice. “I am your pilot, that’s my job, and even if I could leave my CO behind, I could never leave--  _ you _ .”

“Jeff, please, don’t be unreasonable. Don’t make me make this an order.”

He didn’t even want to scratch the surface of that kind of conversation. His mind refused to acknowledge any future that cut their lives asunder. He shook his head slightly. “Tell you what,” he offered, trying to brush aside her words, “if you promise me you’ll do whatever you can to always come back to me, I’ll promise to do what you asked me to.”

“Deal,” she said, kissing him again. 

  
_ Yeah, right _ . Like if he could ever leave her behind. When the time came, he’d sort out that problem. Right now? He just wanted to drift off, forever grasping at the promises of happiness with her.


End file.
